Today was the student's last day of school! Wow... that means I only have about 5 days left myself. haha I am so glad the "trying" period has passed for this cycle because I am so exhausted I can barely breathe, let alone worry about ttc. I feel some better about everything but I still have all this pressure to get pregnant. It isn't from anyone but myself. I know that I can't just make it happen but I really do keep feeling like there's so many time lines I'd like to stay within. Silly I know but remember before you lecture me... I am just being totally honest on this blog. I realize what I need to do and that God is in control of it all, I am just expressing my inner thoughts. I really want to let this stress and worry just disappear. I know that there's always something new to stress over and I have to admit, I'd rather go through this stress than the stress of losing someone that I love or something. I think that it is just a mixture of everything including some personal issues. *Sigh* Just keep me in your prayers! I want to read beyond the preconception introductions in my baby books.... I'm ready for chapter 1.
Ps. Keep my friend Daniel and his wife Letha in your Prayers as well...they have been trying for 10 years and are still waiting for a baby.
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Monday, May 26, 2008
Winding Down
I have been through a tremendously hard weekend which resulted in the creation of this blog. I now lay here winding down from all the places that my mind has been. It is so hard to go through this when you can't talk to most of the people around you. I am blessed. I do have people that can see that I am hurting and that offer encouragement (mom, Mike, Kim, Jess, Beth, Tina...) but then there are those that don't. No I'm not going to name them. There are those that tell me to stop trying so hard and worrying so much. I know I touched on that previously but AHHHH! It just makes me want to lose it. I understand that if you are someone who got pregnant rather quickly or even within a few months, that you probably have no concept of how it would feel to want something so badly and not be able to obtain it. I don't blame you for this. I realize that God has given you other struggles that I don't understand. But my infertility is definitely the most difficult thing that I have been through in my life (besides losing those that I love). It is out of my hands and that's hard.
Granted, I understand that everything is out of my hands but my control freak self does like to feel as though I am taking charge of situations in which require hard work and dedication. I have given this situation just that and coated it in tremendous amounts of Prayer but I am still not a mommy. And I have no idea when I will be a mommy. I want to go through each motion of pregnancy, even the yucky feelings that I know will be hard. I just want to experience this like everyone else.
This feeling totally parallels to a situation that I went through as a young girl. Guess what? It was when all the other girls were getting their periods and I hadn't. I know.... silly to want something like that, right? Well I did. I wanted to be "a woman" just like everyone else. I wanted to know that I was normal. And, obviously I did start my period and even though there were times that I dreaded it... I always had a strange sense of joy when it hit because that meant that I was normal and would be able to have a baby someday. Is that weird or what? I remember starting when I least expected it and maybe that is how this will happen... but somehow I have a hard time figuring out how I won't be expecting it. I Pray that nothing bad happens, like losing those that I love, to occupy my mind. I just Pray that God will continue to give me peace and comfort while I wait for His will to be accomplished in this situation.
Granted, I understand that everything is out of my hands but my control freak self does like to feel as though I am taking charge of situations in which require hard work and dedication. I have given this situation just that and coated it in tremendous amounts of Prayer but I am still not a mommy. And I have no idea when I will be a mommy. I want to go through each motion of pregnancy, even the yucky feelings that I know will be hard. I just want to experience this like everyone else.
This feeling totally parallels to a situation that I went through as a young girl. Guess what? It was when all the other girls were getting their periods and I hadn't. I know.... silly to want something like that, right? Well I did. I wanted to be "a woman" just like everyone else. I wanted to know that I was normal. And, obviously I did start my period and even though there were times that I dreaded it... I always had a strange sense of joy when it hit because that meant that I was normal and would be able to have a baby someday. Is that weird or what? I remember starting when I least expected it and maybe that is how this will happen... but somehow I have a hard time figuring out how I won't be expecting it. I Pray that nothing bad happens, like losing those that I love, to occupy my mind. I just Pray that God will continue to give me peace and comfort while I wait for His will to be accomplished in this situation.
Sunday, May 25, 2008
Origin of the Title
Where did I get the title for this blog? That's a good question. I got this title by thinking about exactly how I feel daily. As far as motherhood is concerned, I feel like I'm on the outside looking in. I am with kids all day. I see babies and their mommies daily. I hear cute stories about folks kids daily. Yet, I have none of that to share with the world. I love listening to stories, seeing babies, hanging with kids, etc. The only thing is... I can't wait until I have something to add when we are having those conversations. I have felt this way at different times in my life, with different situations and I think we all have. But this is my current "outsider" feeling. But I realize that eventually "this too shall pass." I thank God for that!
Saturday, May 24, 2008
My Infertility Story
I was one of those that waited until I was out of college and working before I got married. I never had issues with folks who didn't, but I knew that I wanted to. My mom had always told me to get everything done that I wanted to while I was single because life would totally change after marriage. It did, in a good way. I met my husband through via Yahoo email. We were engaged after 6 months and planning a wedding. I ended up feeling like I wasn't quite ready and so I called it off. I went through a lot the year we were apart but I am glad that I did. Michael and I ended up back together and married in November of 2005.
I felt the same way about children. I knew I wanted children, but I had a few more things I wanted to get finished first. If I had have gotten pregnant, it would have been ok, however I wanted some time with my husband. I also wanted to finish my Master's degree in Elementary Education and my Rank 1 in Supervision of Curriculum and Instruction. So we put it off.
In February of 2007, my cousin Jessica gave birth to my baby cousin/nephew Gavin Michael Brittain. I fell in love with this little man and my longing for a child grew. I was nearing the finish line with my degrees and had been married for about a year and a half. I prayed and talked with Michael about having a child. We decided to start trying in June of 2007.
I went off birth control in April and we started trying. It was fun and exciting to think that at just anytime, I could have a positive pregnancy test. Well, the fun and excitement didn't last very long. In August/September of 07, I was late, really late. I, along with most of my family and coworkers was convinced that I was pregnant. I was so excited. The only problem was that I couldn't get a positive pregnancy test to show up. Then after I think 10 days, my period came. I was hurt but I figured that we could just keep trying.
My periods began to get a little longer and more unpredictable. I had never had this issue. I have never thought I would have an issue with getting pregnant and here I was about 9 months in and I was still waiting. My friend at work convinced me to go to her doctor and tell them what was going on. I did this in January 2008 and she started me on Clomid right away. I had always had positive OPK's but I figured it was worth a shot. I began on 50mg and then moved up to 100 mg for the next 2 cycles. Fast forward to now and I am on 150 mg. This is actually my first cycle on that dosage. I am at the one year mark and amazed that I am still childless.
My doctor did tell me that she felt that I am struggling with PCOS. I have a lot of the symptoms and therefore I have also been on Glucophage since January for that as well. Since I lost my gall bladder in Jan. 07, this medicine definitely hasn't helped my digestive issues. But if I get a baby out of it, it is worth all that stress.
I went to the doctor this week on May 20th. The doctor and her assistant talked with me and decided to keep me on my dosages for another 3 months. If nothing has changed by then, I will be heading to Dr. Akin in Lexington for more help. I am pretty sure that I am ovulating so I have no idea what else could be going on. I have to admit, I did freak out when they said that because I know how much money that would entail but I have since calmed a bit.
So there you have it, my personal infertility story up until now.
I felt the same way about children. I knew I wanted children, but I had a few more things I wanted to get finished first. If I had have gotten pregnant, it would have been ok, however I wanted some time with my husband. I also wanted to finish my Master's degree in Elementary Education and my Rank 1 in Supervision of Curriculum and Instruction. So we put it off.
In February of 2007, my cousin Jessica gave birth to my baby cousin/nephew Gavin Michael Brittain. I fell in love with this little man and my longing for a child grew. I was nearing the finish line with my degrees and had been married for about a year and a half. I prayed and talked with Michael about having a child. We decided to start trying in June of 2007.
I went off birth control in April and we started trying. It was fun and exciting to think that at just anytime, I could have a positive pregnancy test. Well, the fun and excitement didn't last very long. In August/September of 07, I was late, really late. I, along with most of my family and coworkers was convinced that I was pregnant. I was so excited. The only problem was that I couldn't get a positive pregnancy test to show up. Then after I think 10 days, my period came. I was hurt but I figured that we could just keep trying.
My periods began to get a little longer and more unpredictable. I had never had this issue. I have never thought I would have an issue with getting pregnant and here I was about 9 months in and I was still waiting. My friend at work convinced me to go to her doctor and tell them what was going on. I did this in January 2008 and she started me on Clomid right away. I had always had positive OPK's but I figured it was worth a shot. I began on 50mg and then moved up to 100 mg for the next 2 cycles. Fast forward to now and I am on 150 mg. This is actually my first cycle on that dosage. I am at the one year mark and amazed that I am still childless.
My doctor did tell me that she felt that I am struggling with PCOS. I have a lot of the symptoms and therefore I have also been on Glucophage since January for that as well. Since I lost my gall bladder in Jan. 07, this medicine definitely hasn't helped my digestive issues. But if I get a baby out of it, it is worth all that stress.
I went to the doctor this week on May 20th. The doctor and her assistant talked with me and decided to keep me on my dosages for another 3 months. If nothing has changed by then, I will be heading to Dr. Akin in Lexington for more help. I am pretty sure that I am ovulating so I have no idea what else could be going on. I have to admit, I did freak out when they said that because I know how much money that would entail but I have since calmed a bit.
So there you have it, my personal infertility story up until now.
Catching you up... Childless
Good Morning All:
I can honestly say that after much soul searching this morning, and its been a rather rough morning I might add, I have produced the following poem. I didn't mean to write something, but those of you who are natural born writers will attest that it is sometimes at the most heightened or most lowly moments that we produce work because that's when the emotion is the greatest. For me, I just have to vent and this is one of my methods. I don't do it as much as I use to but when I have to write, I really must do it right then.
Those of you who read this post that have not struggled with infertility like me and so many of my wonderful friends may think that this is a moment of weakness for me. On the contrary, it is a moment of strong faith. It is faith that God is going to accomplish His will in my situation whatever that may be and whatever that may involve. And I have realized this morning that it may not be what I want. I may never be a mother. But I know that God is good and He has big plans for my existence here on earth. I give Him all the glory in this storm because this is truly a test of faith.
I ask for your continued Prayer in this situation and for me and my emotional health in regards to all of this. Feel free to comment if you have something good to say. And if you don't, just don't tell me. I need encouragement and I am taking a Godly stance on saying that I will accept nothing but encouragement from this point on.
Childless
Tears upon a page,
Heartaches that no one understands.
Pain that radiates through my entire being.
Childless.
I put on a facade.
Things are all ok,
and a lot of times they are,
until I realize that I am
Childless.
Folks mean well,
They give me there thoughts and advice,
I smile as I realize they have no idea
what it feels like to be
Childless.
And I fear that I am all alone in this war,
the battle continues to rage.
I fall down,
I am scared.
I am weary and weak.
I am childless.
I pull up off the ground,
My knees bloody and scraped.
As I kneel, I lift my eyes.
In the distance I see purple.
Royalty is heading my way.
But why me?
I am just a servant girl.
He knows I am childless
He appears and reaches down.
He is beautiful and altogether lovely.
I reach for His hand but instead
He scoops me up into His arms,
He says, "Be not weary my child. I am with you."
And I know that He is,
even though I am still childless.
I can honestly say that after much soul searching this morning, and its been a rather rough morning I might add, I have produced the following poem. I didn't mean to write something, but those of you who are natural born writers will attest that it is sometimes at the most heightened or most lowly moments that we produce work because that's when the emotion is the greatest. For me, I just have to vent and this is one of my methods. I don't do it as much as I use to but when I have to write, I really must do it right then.
Those of you who read this post that have not struggled with infertility like me and so many of my wonderful friends may think that this is a moment of weakness for me. On the contrary, it is a moment of strong faith. It is faith that God is going to accomplish His will in my situation whatever that may be and whatever that may involve. And I have realized this morning that it may not be what I want. I may never be a mother. But I know that God is good and He has big plans for my existence here on earth. I give Him all the glory in this storm because this is truly a test of faith.
I ask for your continued Prayer in this situation and for me and my emotional health in regards to all of this. Feel free to comment if you have something good to say. And if you don't, just don't tell me. I need encouragement and I am taking a Godly stance on saying that I will accept nothing but encouragement from this point on.
Childless
Tears upon a page,
Heartaches that no one understands.
Pain that radiates through my entire being.
Childless.
I put on a facade.
Things are all ok,
and a lot of times they are,
until I realize that I am
Childless.
Folks mean well,
They give me there thoughts and advice,
I smile as I realize they have no idea
what it feels like to be
Childless.
And I fear that I am all alone in this war,
the battle continues to rage.
I fall down,
I am scared.
I am weary and weak.
I am childless.
I pull up off the ground,
My knees bloody and scraped.
As I kneel, I lift my eyes.
In the distance I see purple.
Royalty is heading my way.
But why me?
I am just a servant girl.
He knows I am childless
He appears and reaches down.
He is beautiful and altogether lovely.
I reach for His hand but instead
He scoops me up into His arms,
He says, "Be not weary my child. I am with you."
And I know that He is,
even though I am still childless.
Catching you up... Prayer Request: Just in case you didn't get the email
Here is a copy of the email that I sent out to most of you. If you didn't get it, I am posting it here for you to read.
Hey guys, Just a quick note to ask you to continue Praying for us and our desire to have a child. It has been a year now and nothing has happened. I know that God has everything planned out in His time but I can't say that I'm not a little nervous. I went to the doctor today and she told me that we would continue to try the Clomid and Glucophage for a few more months and that if nothing had happened by then, she would refer me to an infertility specialist. It is great to have that opportunity to get to speak with someone who can help us BUT it is also going to move us into lots of out of pocket money that we do not have. My friend spent 10,000 dollars on invitro to have her son! So I broke down when I left the office and cried like a baby. I hate doing that but I guess I was due for a big cry. I always feel so good about it and I always know that God has it under control but sometimes my fleshly side takes over and is consumed with worry. So anyway, this email is just to ask for your continued prayer in this situation. I am so ready to have children and so excited to raise them for God's glory. Just continue to keep us in prayer and if you don't mind, put us on your church's prayer list if we aren't already on there. Thanks and Much Love, Alesha ( :
Originally posted May 20, 2008
Catching you up... A Special Thank You
Hi Guys:
I wanted to post a little thank you to a couple who has really went out of their way to encourage me while trying to conceive. Brandon and Shelly are the sweetest! Brandon was my boss when I taught at Southeast Community College Upward Bound. Shelly is his wife. I was really excited to find out that they were expecting last summer because I knew that they had been trying for awhile. I am always happy for folks but its even sweeter to know that they really been waiting and asking God for a miracle and hearing that they have received it. Brandon and Shelly both had sent me messages of encouragement over the past year. Their story was so amazing! So when Mother's Day rolled around, I was excited to leave Shelly a comment for her first celebration with baby Emma.
Shelly wrote me back with a sweet, heart felt note that really encouraged me. She then sent me another message telling me that she was sending me a prayer cloth. When I received her letter and the prayer cloth, I was overwhelmed with thanks and praise to God for such a good, Christian friend and witness. Shelly had went up in front of her church on Mother's Day and publicly thanked God for her little Emma. She then proceeded to tell them about me and my struggle with infertility over this past year. The entire church prayed over this prayer cloth and she sent it to me. What a blessing! I couldn't have received a better Mother's Day gift.... the prayers of a faithful church to help me become a mother! Thank you Shelly and Brandon! You guys are truly wonderful and I love you!!!
Originally posted May 18, 2008
I wanted to post a little thank you to a couple who has really went out of their way to encourage me while trying to conceive. Brandon and Shelly are the sweetest! Brandon was my boss when I taught at Southeast Community College Upward Bound. Shelly is his wife. I was really excited to find out that they were expecting last summer because I knew that they had been trying for awhile. I am always happy for folks but its even sweeter to know that they really been waiting and asking God for a miracle and hearing that they have received it. Brandon and Shelly both had sent me messages of encouragement over the past year. Their story was so amazing! So when Mother's Day rolled around, I was excited to leave Shelly a comment for her first celebration with baby Emma.
Shelly wrote me back with a sweet, heart felt note that really encouraged me. She then sent me another message telling me that she was sending me a prayer cloth. When I received her letter and the prayer cloth, I was overwhelmed with thanks and praise to God for such a good, Christian friend and witness. Shelly had went up in front of her church on Mother's Day and publicly thanked God for her little Emma. She then proceeded to tell them about me and my struggle with infertility over this past year. The entire church prayed over this prayer cloth and she sent it to me. What a blessing! I couldn't have received a better Mother's Day gift.... the prayers of a faithful church to help me become a mother! Thank you Shelly and Brandon! You guys are truly wonderful and I love you!!!
Originally posted May 18, 2008
Catching you up....Waiting is hard....God grant me the grace to wait right!
Good Morning All,
I am in Louisville this morning and it seems like it is going to be a beautiful day. Just an update on the baby situation.... still nothing. I have come to realize that waiting is so hard. No matter how much I try to be good, I can't help but have thoughts that enter my mind about the situation. Sometimes I see folks who have never uttered thanks to God for anything. At other times I see young teenagers with children that they really weren't ready for and sometimes didn't and still don't want. I know children in my school who have parents that really don't want them around. The common link? They all have these children that some of us long for and can't seem to get.
Now before I get a ton of comments that say... "Alesha you know God has a purpose for each of those folks and for you" let me go ahead and answer that by saying "Yes, I know." I realize that. I honestly believe that. But it is still a hard row to hoe. (Throwing in some of my country vernacular there hehe) I'm not bitter and I'm trying hard each day to be happy, jolly, and grateful for what I know God will do. I do believe He will do it, it's just sometimes my mind gets overwhelmed by the thoughts of "What could be wrong?" My husband is fine. His tests all came back good. I am taking my meds as prescribed. I am being healthy. Probably healthier than I've been in a long while. I've dropped 10 pounds in the last couple of months. I am taking my vitamins, folic acid (have been on that since college just for this reason!), and I am not consuming myself with the whole thing. I'm not stressing and worrying every single moment of each day. Yet, I'm still babyless. And though I know folks mean well, some of the things they say just make me want to scream. It's almost as if they think I am sabotaging myself by wanting this to happen. I am tired of hearing, "You're trying too hard" or "When you stop thinking about it, it will happen." How do I not try so hard? I have to try on certain days and I have to think about it occasionally.
Oh, what a post, huh? I just realized that I hadn't posted in awhile and I thought to myself, "What is there to post about this morning?" and this is what developed. Please don't think I am grumbling, being mean towards folks who haven't had a hard time, or those who mean well with their thoughts. I'm not. I love each of you and each of those who don't read this but fit the "comment" category. I am just saying what's on my heart.
With that said, I am so glad that I can take this burden to Jesus and lay it at His feet because I don't know what I would do if I couldn't. Talk about heart ache, that would be heart ache.
So let me end with a prayer. That would be fitting. I'm always asking for God's guidance and grace.
Dear Father,
Please Lord grant me the grace that I need to continue on this path. I want to make it to the end of this experience and be able to say that I handled it in a way that is uplifting toward you. Please Jesus, when You feel that it is the right time, please send us a child. Let he/she be devoted to You in the womb and I pray that this child will serve You all the days of his/her life. I pray also that until I meet this child or even know of his/her existence, that You will let he/she enjoy getting to know those that I love so much that are already there with You. I know there's no proof that that can happen but I'm not living by proof anyway. I am living by faith. I have faith that Danielle, Mamaw & Papaw Brittain, Papaw Brock, Shauna, Uncle Bruce, Edie, Sister Helen, etc. can inspire this child even now. Maybe they are even molding it for me as we speak. How precious You are Lord to let those thoughts comfort me! Jesus, go before me and just prepare the way. I thank You for loving me even though I never, ever show You enough love as hard as I try. I praise You for the joy that I have in my heart even through the tough times and I thank You for all the healing and health that You have provided me and those that I hold so dear to my heart. I thank You most importantly for my salvation and Your saving grace that I know those that I am Praying the hardest for, will accept when the time is right. Continue to lead us on and help us through this situation. Help us to never let this time or any time be in vain. Mold and shape our hearts into what they should be. Help us to continue to grow.
In Great Love and Thanks,
Amen
Originally posted May 10, 2008
I am in Louisville this morning and it seems like it is going to be a beautiful day. Just an update on the baby situation.... still nothing. I have come to realize that waiting is so hard. No matter how much I try to be good, I can't help but have thoughts that enter my mind about the situation. Sometimes I see folks who have never uttered thanks to God for anything. At other times I see young teenagers with children that they really weren't ready for and sometimes didn't and still don't want. I know children in my school who have parents that really don't want them around. The common link? They all have these children that some of us long for and can't seem to get.
Now before I get a ton of comments that say... "Alesha you know God has a purpose for each of those folks and for you" let me go ahead and answer that by saying "Yes, I know." I realize that. I honestly believe that. But it is still a hard row to hoe. (Throwing in some of my country vernacular there hehe) I'm not bitter and I'm trying hard each day to be happy, jolly, and grateful for what I know God will do. I do believe He will do it, it's just sometimes my mind gets overwhelmed by the thoughts of "What could be wrong?" My husband is fine. His tests all came back good. I am taking my meds as prescribed. I am being healthy. Probably healthier than I've been in a long while. I've dropped 10 pounds in the last couple of months. I am taking my vitamins, folic acid (have been on that since college just for this reason!), and I am not consuming myself with the whole thing. I'm not stressing and worrying every single moment of each day. Yet, I'm still babyless. And though I know folks mean well, some of the things they say just make me want to scream. It's almost as if they think I am sabotaging myself by wanting this to happen. I am tired of hearing, "You're trying too hard" or "When you stop thinking about it, it will happen." How do I not try so hard? I have to try on certain days and I have to think about it occasionally.
Oh, what a post, huh? I just realized that I hadn't posted in awhile and I thought to myself, "What is there to post about this morning?" and this is what developed. Please don't think I am grumbling, being mean towards folks who haven't had a hard time, or those who mean well with their thoughts. I'm not. I love each of you and each of those who don't read this but fit the "comment" category. I am just saying what's on my heart.
With that said, I am so glad that I can take this burden to Jesus and lay it at His feet because I don't know what I would do if I couldn't. Talk about heart ache, that would be heart ache.
So let me end with a prayer. That would be fitting. I'm always asking for God's guidance and grace.
Dear Father,
Please Lord grant me the grace that I need to continue on this path. I want to make it to the end of this experience and be able to say that I handled it in a way that is uplifting toward you. Please Jesus, when You feel that it is the right time, please send us a child. Let he/she be devoted to You in the womb and I pray that this child will serve You all the days of his/her life. I pray also that until I meet this child or even know of his/her existence, that You will let he/she enjoy getting to know those that I love so much that are already there with You. I know there's no proof that that can happen but I'm not living by proof anyway. I am living by faith. I have faith that Danielle, Mamaw & Papaw Brittain, Papaw Brock, Shauna, Uncle Bruce, Edie, Sister Helen, etc. can inspire this child even now. Maybe they are even molding it for me as we speak. How precious You are Lord to let those thoughts comfort me! Jesus, go before me and just prepare the way. I thank You for loving me even though I never, ever show You enough love as hard as I try. I praise You for the joy that I have in my heart even through the tough times and I thank You for all the healing and health that You have provided me and those that I hold so dear to my heart. I thank You most importantly for my salvation and Your saving grace that I know those that I am Praying the hardest for, will accept when the time is right. Continue to lead us on and help us through this situation. Help us to never let this time or any time be in vain. Mold and shape our hearts into what they should be. Help us to continue to grow.
In Great Love and Thanks,
Amen
Originally posted May 10, 2008
Catching you up... Just asking for Prayer!
Hi Guys!
Just a quick post to ask each of you to continue to remember my fertility issues. My husband's test results came back and he is fine so it must be totally me. haha I'm always causing trouble : ) Seriously, I know God will bless us with a child when He sees fit and we are waiting on Him. I praise Him for my husband's results. I also wanted to ask you to please Pray for my students and all students in general who are testing right now. Pray that they will truly demonstrate what we have taught them and shine on the CATS testing or whatever the testing may be called in your neck of the woods.
Love....
Me
Originally posted April 24, 2008
Just a quick post to ask each of you to continue to remember my fertility issues. My husband's test results came back and he is fine so it must be totally me. haha I'm always causing trouble : ) Seriously, I know God will bless us with a child when He sees fit and we are waiting on Him. I praise Him for my husband's results. I also wanted to ask you to please Pray for my students and all students in general who are testing right now. Pray that they will truly demonstrate what we have taught them and shine on the CATS testing or whatever the testing may be called in your neck of the woods.
Love....
Me
Originally posted April 24, 2008
Catching you up... Coming Up to Breathe
Hi guys:
I have not be doing that great at keeping up with my blog lately. During this time of year at work, things get pretty hectic. However, I have had plenty more things making my life hectic right now. A few days ago I found out some news that I can't technically share on here. It is legal news and it's not good. Feel free to email me and I can explain, but I don't really feel like I should be talking about it on the Internet for the world to see. No, I didn't get arrested! HAHA
Anyway, in the midst of finding this out I began to become overwhelmed with my very own party. Yep, you guessed it... a Pity Party.
I began to think of all that has been going on in this past year. I have been trying to get pregnant. I haven't gotten there yet. I feel stuck because I'd like to lose some weight (by some I mean a lot haha) and I can't exactly go on a crash diet while trying to conceive. Michael and I are looking at houses and we actually found one that we really liked but the credit union we were going through gave us to high of an interest rate and asked for some outlandish money amounts so we stepped out of the commitment. Right as we found another mortgage place and got the interest rates worked out, my legal stuff showed up. And only a few days later, we found out that the accident that I had almost 2 years ago has been showing up on my in-laws insurance instead of ours, therefore making ours shoot up now and making us feel bad for them paying it for the last 2 years (they do not want it back). What a mix up, right?!
Anyway, I have been pretty overwhelmed. God has really covered me under His wings because during this week of Spring Break I have felt a whole lot more peaceful about everything. Please just pray that everything works out the way it's suppose to and that I can get some much needed mental rest. I am stressed about all the stuff above but more than anything I have the baby thing on my heart a lot here lately. Last year when we started trying to conceive I was really anxious and then after a few months I calmed down and admitted that it may take awhile and I was OK with that. Now, I am beginning to stress again because here I am on this medication and still no baby. Yes, I know it's only been 2 rounds and I haven't found out the results of this round yet but it still leaves you wondering about the lengths you may have to go to in order to have your own child. I see my friends going through it and I am amazed by their stamina and their patience. I realize that you never really know what your mind will go through during the length of time that you have to wait. So many ups and downs. Right, Beth? And the saddest part is, I have only been going through this for almost a year unlike many of my friends who waited 8-10 years. My pain and anguish is nothing compared to what they went through.
I trust that God will provide when He sees fit and I really think that being a mom is in my future. I am just asking for your prayers in order to help see me through this situation. I ask that you pray for all of the above including the baby thing and for the legal issue to be dissolved. Also, please pray for the continued health of my family and for an upcoming peaceful summer break. Praise God that He tells us to ask Him for help in everything!
Originally posted April 2, 2008
I have not be doing that great at keeping up with my blog lately. During this time of year at work, things get pretty hectic. However, I have had plenty more things making my life hectic right now. A few days ago I found out some news that I can't technically share on here. It is legal news and it's not good. Feel free to email me and I can explain, but I don't really feel like I should be talking about it on the Internet for the world to see. No, I didn't get arrested! HAHA
Anyway, in the midst of finding this out I began to become overwhelmed with my very own party. Yep, you guessed it... a Pity Party.
I began to think of all that has been going on in this past year. I have been trying to get pregnant. I haven't gotten there yet. I feel stuck because I'd like to lose some weight (by some I mean a lot haha) and I can't exactly go on a crash diet while trying to conceive. Michael and I are looking at houses and we actually found one that we really liked but the credit union we were going through gave us to high of an interest rate and asked for some outlandish money amounts so we stepped out of the commitment. Right as we found another mortgage place and got the interest rates worked out, my legal stuff showed up. And only a few days later, we found out that the accident that I had almost 2 years ago has been showing up on my in-laws insurance instead of ours, therefore making ours shoot up now and making us feel bad for them paying it for the last 2 years (they do not want it back). What a mix up, right?!
Anyway, I have been pretty overwhelmed. God has really covered me under His wings because during this week of Spring Break I have felt a whole lot more peaceful about everything. Please just pray that everything works out the way it's suppose to and that I can get some much needed mental rest. I am stressed about all the stuff above but more than anything I have the baby thing on my heart a lot here lately. Last year when we started trying to conceive I was really anxious and then after a few months I calmed down and admitted that it may take awhile and I was OK with that. Now, I am beginning to stress again because here I am on this medication and still no baby. Yes, I know it's only been 2 rounds and I haven't found out the results of this round yet but it still leaves you wondering about the lengths you may have to go to in order to have your own child. I see my friends going through it and I am amazed by their stamina and their patience. I realize that you never really know what your mind will go through during the length of time that you have to wait. So many ups and downs. Right, Beth? And the saddest part is, I have only been going through this for almost a year unlike many of my friends who waited 8-10 years. My pain and anguish is nothing compared to what they went through.
I trust that God will provide when He sees fit and I really think that being a mom is in my future. I am just asking for your prayers in order to help see me through this situation. I ask that you pray for all of the above including the baby thing and for the legal issue to be dissolved. Also, please pray for the continued health of my family and for an upcoming peaceful summer break. Praise God that He tells us to ask Him for help in everything!
Originally posted April 2, 2008
Catching you up... God's Words to Me
Last night as I read through Exodus, I came across two verses that I know God used to encourage me. As you know, I just finished my first round of Clomid and Glucophage. I am really, really hoping that this month will be the turning point for Michael and I to have a baby. I don't go on and on about it like I did when I first started trying to conceive, but I do think about it on a daily basis. God knows my thoughts and He hears each prayer that I pray. I am thankful to Him for this trial because, believe it or not, it has been truly a blessing to us. I appreciate conceiving a child so much more than I think I would have if the whole thing would have ended up on my time line (consisting of me having a baby this summer!) instead of His. Here's what God said:
"..... Fear ye not, stand still, and see the salvation of the Lord, which he will shew to you to day: ....."
---- Exodus 14:13
"The Lord shall fight for you and you shall hold your peace." --- Exodus 14:14
Wow! Those are powerful. Stand still Alesha and see the salvation of the Lord! So many times I've seen it but I have been far from still waiting on it. I pray that Jesus sees me standing still and waiting right now!
And ohhh.... that second verse. God will FIGHT for me. God will FIGHT for Michael. God will FIGHT for my family! How awesome. So many times I want to fight back in all kinds of situations, but God is telling me to step back, watch His salvation, and that He will fight for me as I hold my peace! Amazing! Thank you Lord for your precious mercy and grace upon my life and the lives of those that I hold dear to my heart!
ORIGINALLY POSTED MARCH 8, 2008
"..... Fear ye not, stand still, and see the salvation of the Lord, which he will shew to you to day: ....."
---- Exodus 14:13
"The Lord shall fight for you and you shall hold your peace." --- Exodus 14:14
Wow! Those are powerful. Stand still Alesha and see the salvation of the Lord! So many times I've seen it but I have been far from still waiting on it. I pray that Jesus sees me standing still and waiting right now!
And ohhh.... that second verse. God will FIGHT for me. God will FIGHT for Michael. God will FIGHT for my family! How awesome. So many times I want to fight back in all kinds of situations, but God is telling me to step back, watch His salvation, and that He will fight for me as I hold my peace! Amazing! Thank you Lord for your precious mercy and grace upon my life and the lives of those that I hold dear to my heart!
ORIGINALLY POSTED MARCH 8, 2008
Catching you up... Seasons of Life Poetry... The Essence of New Life
I found a poetry book that my friend Jennifer Helton-Richmond and I created in our Children's Literature class in college. These are poems that we had written from our youth through our early 20's. Some of mine really show the development of self esteem and self concept in action because I was developing mine while writing them. I can't imagine how I felt when I wrote some of them and then again with others, I can remember every single feeling. Anyway.... I will share some of these off and on over the next few weeks with you guys. Please keep in mind, if some of these poems are sort of gloomy, remember I was a young girl and had had a few broken hearts along with the dreariness of learning to be a teenager and then a young woman. The coolest part about finding these is the fact that I can read them now and see exactly how much I have grown as a writer and as a woman. I love our poetry book because it is entitled "Seasons of Life" and it contains poems from childhood up through adulthood. Jen and I even matched the font to the ages group of each poem and laid out the whole thing in the timeline of a life using seasons of the year. It was beautiful when it was finished and bound and we received an A, which the professor had warned, would be really hard to get if we opted for a project over our final exam. Anyway, here's the first one I will share and it's mainly because it was amazing to me when I read it. I was dreaming of creating and raising a child with my husband even before we were man and wife. I was already looking deep into the future and thinking about our children. Enjoy!
The Essence of New Life
The cries of a newborn child ring in my head.
How I want a love like that.
I want to reach into the depths of my soul,
And intertwine that with yours.
I want to hear this beautiful sound in a short increment of time.
The thrill of creating,
That is an honor in itself.
The essence of discovering.
What a wonderful moment.
Informing the world.
Yes world here we are together
The magical months that are too often taken for granted.
The bittersweet pains,
The climax,
The release.
And there you’ll be.
Fresh and new in my arms.
A product of an unbinding love.
A small, yet bright, glow to light up a future life.
And I’ll look into your big eyes,
Such innocence,
And Pray for the future
That God has sculpted out for you.
Pray that he blesses you as much as he has blessed me.
Pray that you, this small being,
Can make a positive impact on a darkened and dull world.
ORIGINALLY POSTED FEB. 20, 2008
Catching you up... Pregnancy Thoughts That Parallel
Good Morning All,
I must first start off by saying, I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE SNOW DAYS! I have managed to get an extra 3 days off straight after Christmas break plus my weekend that's coming up. While being off, I have not spent as much time as I wanted blogging. I have been here there and everywhere with my family. I don't regret it though, because those are memories that I'll cherish forever.
My friend Kristi recently found out that she was pregnant with her fourth baby. Though I have not seen her in years, I know for a fact that she is a wonderful mother and so deserving of these precious souls. However, she has been facing a lot of morning sickness and really struggling with it. Her post yesterday reminds me a lot of my thoughts on trying to get pregnant. You can click here to read her post and then follow up below with my thoughts that parallel it.
I know how exactly how it feels, not with morning sickness, but with feeling so "envious" of those who aren't going through what you are. I have to work through that daily, too. My issue is that I feel that way towards folks who do not even want children, yet end up pregnant. It is a human thing. It's something I fight against all the time. And I often wonder, how can God bless me with a child if I can't get past my issues with others and their pregnancies. But...... our God is good. He knows that we (you, I, anyone else who has had a similar situation) do not really dislike these other people rather we are just hurting inside because we want it so badly for ourselves and we struggle with seeing why it can't be when we are trying our best to do God's will. And through the whole thing, not matter how hard it seems, God is teaching us something with each moment of the situation. And, I know for a fact, that when I do get a positive pregnancy test, I will be a whole lot more grateful than I would have been a month into trying. Not because my pregnancy is any more special than others who got pregnant fast, but because God saw me through that period of time that I felt like it wasn't going to happen. I thank God once again for knowing my "frame" and what it can handle! He's so good!
Ps. Could everyone please continue to help me pray for my precious friend and her sickness? She is worthy of our prayers! I love you Kristi and thank you for being YOU!
ORIGINALLY POSTED JAN. 4, 2008
I must first start off by saying, I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE SNOW DAYS! I have managed to get an extra 3 days off straight after Christmas break plus my weekend that's coming up. While being off, I have not spent as much time as I wanted blogging. I have been here there and everywhere with my family. I don't regret it though, because those are memories that I'll cherish forever.
My friend Kristi recently found out that she was pregnant with her fourth baby. Though I have not seen her in years, I know for a fact that she is a wonderful mother and so deserving of these precious souls. However, she has been facing a lot of morning sickness and really struggling with it. Her post yesterday reminds me a lot of my thoughts on trying to get pregnant. You can click here to read her post and then follow up below with my thoughts that parallel it.
I know how exactly how it feels, not with morning sickness, but with feeling so "envious" of those who aren't going through what you are. I have to work through that daily, too. My issue is that I feel that way towards folks who do not even want children, yet end up pregnant. It is a human thing. It's something I fight against all the time. And I often wonder, how can God bless me with a child if I can't get past my issues with others and their pregnancies. But...... our God is good. He knows that we (you, I, anyone else who has had a similar situation) do not really dislike these other people rather we are just hurting inside because we want it so badly for ourselves and we struggle with seeing why it can't be when we are trying our best to do God's will. And through the whole thing, not matter how hard it seems, God is teaching us something with each moment of the situation. And, I know for a fact, that when I do get a positive pregnancy test, I will be a whole lot more grateful than I would have been a month into trying. Not because my pregnancy is any more special than others who got pregnant fast, but because God saw me through that period of time that I felt like it wasn't going to happen. I thank God once again for knowing my "frame" and what it can handle! He's so good!
Ps. Could everyone please continue to help me pray for my precious friend and her sickness? She is worthy of our prayers! I love you Kristi and thank you for being YOU!
ORIGINALLY POSTED JAN. 4, 2008
Welcome
Good Afternoon,
This page is created and dedicated to my struggle with infertility over the past year. I had thought about creating this blog awhile back, but I had hoped that I wouldn't need to. After a complete infertility "meltdown" a few days ago and a sweet email from a friend stating that she was creating an infertility blog, I decided to join her and create my own.
Many of my regular readers on my main blog "Shine 4 Jesus" may not be interested in reading about this struggle. That's ok. If you want to keep up that's ok, too. Like others, this is mainly a therapeutic thing for me. I do Pray that it will be a blessing to others who are going through the same thing.
Like my main blog, this blog will be centered around Jesus. Why? Because He is first and foremost a priority in my life. Everything, including my infertility, centers around Him.
Like my friend Beth, I do have a few rules and they are almost verbatim to her rules. Why? Because we are both going through infertility and we both know exactly what bugs a person in our situation too death.
*** Therefore, please do not suggest that I need to just be patient and let God's will be done. I am being patient and I am waiting upon the Lord. That doesn't mean waiting is easy.
*** Do not suggest that it will happen when I forget about it. Sorry folks... I can't just forget about it. That would be like telling someone in school to be a doctor to just forget about wanting to be one and it will happen. Not likely.
*** Please don't tell me that God isn't ready to send me a child. This is obvious. I know God will send me a child when He sees fit but I don't need someone to emphasize that each time that I ask for prayer.
*** Please do not pretend to know exactly how I feel if you really don't.
*** Lastly, please do not discourage me. As I have said on my main blog, if you do not have something encouraging and uplifting to say... please hold your peace.
I am going to copy some posts from my main blog over here to start out that way all my infertility blogs will be together. Bear with me through this transition and through my trial.
Love in Jesus,
Alesha : )
This page is created and dedicated to my struggle with infertility over the past year. I had thought about creating this blog awhile back, but I had hoped that I wouldn't need to. After a complete infertility "meltdown" a few days ago and a sweet email from a friend stating that she was creating an infertility blog, I decided to join her and create my own.
Many of my regular readers on my main blog "Shine 4 Jesus" may not be interested in reading about this struggle. That's ok. If you want to keep up that's ok, too. Like others, this is mainly a therapeutic thing for me. I do Pray that it will be a blessing to others who are going through the same thing.
Like my main blog, this blog will be centered around Jesus. Why? Because He is first and foremost a priority in my life. Everything, including my infertility, centers around Him.
Like my friend Beth, I do have a few rules and they are almost verbatim to her rules. Why? Because we are both going through infertility and we both know exactly what bugs a person in our situation too death.
*** Therefore, please do not suggest that I need to just be patient and let God's will be done. I am being patient and I am waiting upon the Lord. That doesn't mean waiting is easy.
*** Do not suggest that it will happen when I forget about it. Sorry folks... I can't just forget about it. That would be like telling someone in school to be a doctor to just forget about wanting to be one and it will happen. Not likely.
*** Please don't tell me that God isn't ready to send me a child. This is obvious. I know God will send me a child when He sees fit but I don't need someone to emphasize that each time that I ask for prayer.
*** Please do not pretend to know exactly how I feel if you really don't.
*** Lastly, please do not discourage me. As I have said on my main blog, if you do not have something encouraging and uplifting to say... please hold your peace.
I am going to copy some posts from my main blog over here to start out that way all my infertility blogs will be together. Bear with me through this transition and through my trial.
Love in Jesus,
Alesha : )
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