Hop On Over For Another Psalm

You can click here to hop on over to my personal blog, Shine 4 Jesus!, and read another Psalm that I absolutely love. It is just amazing to me and it reminds me a lot of my cries to God about my problems (including infertility!)

A Couple of Psalms Just For Me....

Just wanted to share a couple of Psalms with you tonight. I'm still having a hard time but it is somewhat better. Tonight I just broke down on my mom and told her the cold, hard truth that I really feel and some of it is even stuff I can't type on here. There are just some things you can barely say aloud let alone type for everyone to read. But, I did feel better after I admitted some of the things that I had been feeling and after I stopped feeling guilty about them.

I still Pray that my chance at being a mother will come soon and that I will be blessed to have a child of my own. Please join me in Pray about this situation. For those of you who left a comment or texted/called during my time in this valley, may God bless you for your thoughtfulness. You never know just how much it means to someone for just a kind word, a card, a quick note, etc. I think some of my infertility issues are enhanced by the loss of my best friend Danielle who was such a source of encouragement to me. So thank you for reminding me that others do still care.

Psalm 5-6 (King James Version)

Psalm 5

1Give ear to my words, O LORD, consider my meditation.

2Hearken unto the voice of my cry, my King, and my God: for unto thee will I pray.

3My voice shalt thou hear in the morning, O LORD; in the morning will I direct my prayer unto thee, and will look up.

4For thou art not a God that hath pleasure in wickedness: neither shall evil dwell with thee.

5The foolish shall not stand in thy sight: thou hatest all workers of iniquity.

6Thou shalt destroy them that speak leasing: the LORD will abhor the bloody and deceitful man.

7But as for me, I will come into thy house in the multitude of thy mercy: and in thy fear will I worship toward thy holy temple.

8Lead me, O LORD, in thy righteousness because of mine enemies; make thy way straight before my face.

9For there is no faithfulness in their mouth; their inward part is very wickedness; their throat is an open sepulchre; they flatter with their tongue.

10Destroy thou them, O God; let them fall by their own counsels; cast them out in the multitude of their transgressions; for they have rebelled against thee.

11But let all those that put their trust in thee rejoice: let them ever shout for joy, because thou defendest them: let them also that love thy name be joyful in thee.

12For thou, LORD, wilt bless the righteous; with favour wilt thou compass him as with a shield.

(PSALM 5 WAS A BIG HELP TO ME WHEN MY MOM WAS IN LEXINGTON FOR HER LAST HEART CATH!)

Psalm 6

1O LORD, rebuke me not in thine anger, neither chasten me in thy hot displeasure.

2Have mercy upon me, O LORD; for I am weak: O LORD, heal me; for my bones are vexed.

3My soul is also sore vexed: but thou, O LORD, how long?

4Return, O LORD, deliver my soul: oh save me for thy mercies' sake.

5For in death there is no remembrance of thee: in the grave who shall give thee thanks?

6I am weary with my groaning; all the night make I my bed to swim; I water my couch with my tears.

7Mine eye is consumed because of grief; it waxeth old because of all mine enemies.

8Depart from me, all ye workers of iniquity; for the LORD hath heard the voice of my weeping.

9The LORD hath heard my supplication; the LORD will receive my prayer.

10Let all mine enemies be ashamed and sore vexed: let them return and be ashamed suddenly.

God's Delays Are Not God's Denials

Well.... a friend of mine at work told my mom that she remembered this saying (in the title above) from years ago. She had heard a preacher say it and she said it just stuck with her. Well... I'm claiming this promise today because I have had a slight delay. Today I woke up feeling like I was going to be sick and with some cramps. At around 11:30 (after a busy, busy morning including tons of extra work that I was handed) I started my period. I just stared at the toilet paper for a minute or two and said oh, oh. I was upset but I had to put on a facade because I'm dealing with 100 kids a day at work that can tell when you've been crying. I did pretty well for the most part. I told those who were waiting to find out with me in a nonchalant way and kept saying it's ok, it's ok.

Then my doctor called back after hearing my message and gave me instructions on what to do this month. Well.... actually her nurse called. I will be doing the exact same thing as last month but this month they were going to do my ultrasound on cycle day 16. Well, if you know me you know that I am a control freak. I started worrying that I may ovulate before that day (because you just never know, right? especially if your cycles are unpredictable). So I decided I'd just try a little early in case. Well the more I thought about it, the more I started stressing and my mom was like, "Just call and ask the doctor." So I did. Her receptionist called me back and then I explained it all to her and she had the doctor call me back. The doctor said that I could come on day 14 instead to be safe if I wanted and that she was just thinking that I ovulate late. And I just might, but in case I'd like to be sure that I don't miss it. She also said that if my eggs aren't big enough (here's a Prayer request guys!!!!) that I'll have to miss work and drive 2 hours back to her office again 2 days later. I hate missing so much work but if I have to I have to. (Plus my mom has to have a test run on the day before so I'll be missing 2 days because if they find that she still has part of the kidney stone that she passed still in her, they will have to take her straight into surgery.)

The doctor also mentioned for me to consider doing IUI this month, but I think I'm gonna ask her if I can try regularly for one more month because my husband is just starting a new job about an hour and a half away from where we live (3+ hours from the doctor) and I can't ask him to ask for a day off his second week. May I ask, why does everything hit all at once? I'm sure many of you wonder that yourselves.

Anyway, do you think I made the right decisions? I am Praying for God to help me and to carry me through this experience. It's so hard. There is a lady at work who is just about ready to have her baby and I am so excited for her because she had unexplained infertility for years and just ended up pregnant last year out of the blue. With that said, it is still hard. I passed her today after seeing red and I had to walk into the bathroom because I started crying. It's not that I am not excited for her, I just want to join her. I want to feel excited knowing that I am carrying my very own child. I love my husband and I would so very much like to experience this with him.

My husband has been so sweet about it today. He has listened to me talk and cry so much and he keeps telling me that maybe God is preventing me from going through something worse, like a miscarriage or something. He says that God sees the perfect time and that it will happen for us. That's really true. I know God is delaying this for some reason. I know that I am a faithful Christian who really tries to do the right thing every day. I'm not perfect by any means, but I strive to be like Jesus. I just Pray that God's will will be accomplished in my life. I'm not mad at Him today and I am still thankful for this thorn in my side that draws me closer to Him. And maybe that's just it, maybe He knows that I need to draw even closer and that's why He hasn't removed it yet.

God, I know your will is perfect and without blemish. I Pray for it's presence in my life. I Pray that Your hands would be upon my womb and that You would just open it at the exact right moment. Lord, You know why I want a child. You know that I want to teach it all about You and to point to You throughout his/her whole life. Lord, I am faithful and I have been my entire life. I am trying to be what you want me to be. Lord Your Word says to give reasons as to why our Prayers should be answered, and these are my reasons. Lastly, Lord I want to give my parents a precious grandchild that their hearts just long for. I want my children to be able to be influenced by them as much as I was growing up. I thank You Lord for Your presence and guidance in my life and the lives of my family. Please just help me to overcome infertility and to continue to overcome this world.

In Your Precious and Holiest Name I Pray,
Amen.

When NonChristians Get Pregnant....

Here's something for you to read... It's an article about former porn star Jenna Jameson who has gotten pregnant. Now, don't get me wrong, it seems like that she has been through quite a bit according to this article. And yes, it has been rumored on the entertainment circuit that she is looking to change the world's perception of her lifestyle as a porn star. However, it is still hard to believe that this woman who has defiled herself and made tons of money from selling her body, is housing a precious little child. I know that there is a plan and a reason for this and all pregnancies and I thank God for them, but my fleshly side does sit back and wonder how it can be. Possibly this child will grow up to lead his/her mother to Christ or maybe just the blessing of having this child will open her eyes. I sure hope so! But as for me, I know that God is in my infertility and that there is a reason, one of which is meeting all of you wonderful ladies. You are all such support to me and I thank and love each of you! God Bless!!!

Progesterone Levels For August

Just a quick note to let you know my progesterone levels for this cycle. The doctor called today and said that my level was 22 and perfect. So the good news is that I did ovulate but we will still have to wait until Friday to see if I'm pregnant. Please Pray very hard that this worked and that God blesses us with our first child this month. I so desire to be a mother! Thanks for Praying for me and encouraging me!

Blessings in Order

Now I know that my pea sized brain doesn't work even 1% as much as our Precious Lord's does, but my fleshly side is constantly telling me that everyone that I know who is TTC is getting blessed in order. And when it doesn't flow in that order, I feel like folks are getting robbed. Does that sound silly to anyone? I know that God will bless each of us when He feels it's the right time for us. I really do believe that. But daily I have to Pray for Him to help me deal with hearing about more and more folks who just decided one month to get pregnant and were pregnant the next month. My flesh cries out, "I've been in line longer!" And I also feel that way about others that I know who have been trying longer than me and though it sounds silly, I already dread telling them I'm pregnant if I get pregnant before them. So, Lord Jesus, please help me with my fleshly thoughts and ideas. Help me to trust totally in You every moment. And Jesus if it be possible in Your will, please let this be my month.

Psalm 113:9

Psalm 113:9 (King James Version)

9He maketh the barren woman to keep house, and to be a joyful mother of children. Praise ye the LORD.

I claim this promise from God. I can't wait to be a joyful mother of children. 5 days until the progesterone test!

Interesting Little Chart

http://www.fertilityplus.org/faq/hormonelevels.html

The link provided takes you to a chart that goes through all the hormone levels that you are tested on while TTC or while in pregnancy. I thought it was very comprehensive and wish that I had found it some time back. Enjoy!

My Hubby Gives A Good Shot!

I had my shot this evening. After freaking out about how much liquid to put in and about getting every drop out of the shot, it was over! And I must say... I am proud of my hubby. He did a great job. I honestly barely felt a thing. Please keep me and all those going through this in your Prayers.

What An Update!

Hi guys:

I know some of you have been waiting to hear this news about my eggs and how big they are. Well, I waited all day, too. My infertility specialist was kind enough to work with my local midwife to keep me from having to drive 2 hours to her office, so my ultrasound was set up for today here in Kentucky. My doctor assured me that she was sending a letter to make sure it would be ok and then after it was ok'd, her nurse called me back with the appointment. I was excited to see what those eggs looked like.

So.... I went this evening at 4pm as soon as I got off work. I waited for just a few minutes and was called up to the desk. The receptionist asked me who I was there to see and I told her my midwife's name. She told me that she wasn't there today and that they had me down to see one of the doctors. I told her that it didn't matter to me since I was just there for a vaginal ultrasound. She then said that they didn't have any of my records from my other doctor, so I gave her the number to my infertility specialist and she called to get my records.

A few minutes later I was called back to the nurse's station. I asked if they had gotten it straightened out and the nurse said that they would and that I would have my ultrasound regardless of whether or not they received the records today or tomorrow. So we did the weight and blood pressure thing and then I sat in the back waiting area because I just didn't want to be out in the main one with that massive crowd of pregnant bellies.

I was called about 5 minutes later to my exam room. A few minutes later the doctor came through the door and asked me what was going on with me. I think he thought I was a new patient. I explained the whole situation and he just looked at me really oddly and said that they don't usually do that kind of stuff there. I explained that my doctor had ok'd it with my midwife and he told me that my midwife usually just says yes without thinking. He said that I was not scheduled for an ultrasound and that their ultrasound tech stays booked up. He left the room to see what he could do to help.


He came back and said that unfortunately I would not be able to have it done today but I could come in the morning at 8:30am and they could do it or I could just go to my doctor. He also stated that if I did have the ultrasound there, that I would have to just drive the 2 hours from now on because they were not going to help me out by doing follicle scans each month. He said that their office was too busy with folks having babies and things and that their ultrasound tech had too big of a load anyway.

I got a little aggravated and I told him that it would have been nice to have had all this figured out 2 weeks ago when my doctor requested and they accepted. I also told him that I couldn't just drop everything and take off work tomorrow. I mentioned that I didn't mind leaving and coming back or even being the very last patient. He said that that was fine but that the ultrasound tech wanted to get home to her family as well.

So he left again to call her and I sat there thinking, why in the world is this all so hard for me? It's hard enough going through infertility but to have people make it that much harder is just crazy to me. The door opened and he came back in. He said that the tech had agreed to squeeze me in and I thanked him. He then started asking me these crazy questions about my doctor coding things that she does for infertility so that the insurance will cover it. The next thing I know, he is discussing insurance fraud with me. I told him that she is definitely not involved in anything like that and he just kept on and on with the whole thing. I told him that I wasn't sure how things were covered at times but that I definitely felt blessed that they were because I don't have that kind of money to throw around. I reassured him that my doctor was not involved in any of that stuff. I was amazed! And of course he agreed that he understood wanting things covered because of money issues and I sat there thinking, "No you don't. You are a doctor who makes tons of money. If you wanted a baby and couldn't have one, you could just fork over the money to try to have one."

So he led me back to another small waiting area and I was so upset by this point that I was blinking back tears. I was amazed that I was being treated this way. I could understand that they were busy but why in the world did they accept me for this ultrasound? They treated me like I was just some random person from the street and not a grown adult that had been a patient there for 8 months. While I waited I called my mom. She was furious and told me that I needed to switch doctors. I totally agreed because my midwife can't deliver my child anyway and I would have to be turned over to another doctor there and I sure don't think I would want that. So I called my friend Deanna and asked her how hard she thought that it would be for me to switch to her OBGYN. Then I told her the whole situation.

After we had talked for a few minutes, the ultrasound tech came around the corner and I hung up the phone. She told me to go into the bathroom and undress from the waist down and empty my bladder. Well I had actually just went to the bathroom so I didn't bother trying to go again. Those of you who know me know that I don't have to go that frequently. I opened the door and walked out and she asked me if I emptied my bladder. I told her that I had just a few minutes prior to going in there. She gave me this really hateful look and said, "Well try again." I went back in and tried then I went out for the ultrasound.

I tried to make small talk but she didn't seem to want to talk. I had planned to tell her that I appreciated her adding me to her list even though it was probably time for her to go home, but I couldn't really talk with her. I asked how my follicles looked and she said she would measure them after she took all the photos that she needed. When she finished, I got dressed and came back out to get the results. The doctor had asked if I could fax the results myself and I had told him yes, even though I think that they could have at least done that for me but oh well at least I know they'll get there first thing tomorrow morning. So the tech took about 10 minutes and did all the measurements and things for the report. She then printed it and handed it to me. I thanked her and asked if she knew if my eggs were 18 0r more. She said, "I don't deal with infertility." I stated, "Oh, I know. I was just meaning the size of the follicles. Were they at least 18?" and she replied that she had no idea and that that's why I needed to go to my infertility specialist. I was amazed at how rude she had been and how rude the doctor had been.

So, I was in tears by the time I left the office and I was in shock that they had been so rude to me. I felt like they were basically saying that I was an "issue" that they didn't want to deal with. I sat there and watched the tech's children's pictures go by on her digital picture frame and thought to myself, she couldn't possibly know how infertility feels or she would be a little more sensitive to my feelings. I wasn't there to cause trouble. I was only there because my doctor had sent me there. I was only there because I wanted a baby. I had nothing to do with paperwork and records or other doctors agreeing to something and then their colleagues changing their minds.

I did, however, manage to figure out the size of my eggs (or at least I think I did). I am pretty sure that they are measured in millimeters and that anything 18 or over is good. So I converted my sizes, which were in centimeters, to millimeters. I have 8 eggs on my right side with the biggest being 20.5 and 16.9. I have about 5 or 6 on my left side with the biggest being 13.7. So I have been blessed with some big enough eggs. I'm glad I have at least one that is bigger than 18.

I still wonder though, if I take my shot, will I release the biggest eggs or will I just release from whichever ovary takes a turn this month? Deanna seems to think that the shot will just make me release the eggs that are mature no matter which side they are on. Does anyone know?

Lastly, please Pray for me. This whole situation got me down in the dumps this evening. I know that the way I have explained it makes it not sound as bad but I guess you just had to be there to understand how rudely I was treated. Please Pray that if it's at all possible in God's will, that this would be my month to get pregnant. Pray for this mess of switching doctors as well, as I will attempt to begin that process tomorrow.

Love to each of you!

An Infertility Victory! Congrats Kim!

My lovely friend Kim, who teaches diagonally from me, has overcome the infertility woes again and is pregnant via In-Vitro. Kim had this done about 4 years ago and had her son Lucas who is a cutie.



She had it done again last August and unfortunately she lost her babies a few weeks later. But God has a perfect plan and I really feel like this is a part of it. Please Pray for the health of her and her 2 newly implanted embryos. I'll keep you updated!

Ps. Please Pray that my follicles are large enough this Tuesday when I go for my vaginal ultrasound appointment at 4 pm in Corbin. I really, really, really want this to be my month. I would absolutely love to be pregnant alongside my dear friend.

One more request, my good friend that I have grown up with and been friend with for years is also going through infertility. Deanna has been at this longer than I have. She just had IUI and unfortunately it didn't work this time. Please Pray for Deanna to be blessed with a child as well. She is such a wonderful person and she's been a good, Christian girl her entire life. Pray for her.

And as always, keep Praying for my blogger friend Beth, who was actually the inspiration for this blog.

Infertility Update!

Hi guys,

I went to my doctor's appointment on Thursday (after a tremendous amount of drama leading up to the appointment including taking my mom to the ER and staying until she got admitted). Michael went with me and we got there right on time. Dr. Harris was so nice. She sat down and talked with me for about 45 minutes. We went through my family history and my personal history. Just from what I told her, she felt as though it was PCOS causing the issues. Then she checked me out.

During the vaginal ultrasound she pointed out my ovaries and the "pearl like" chain of cysts around each of them. I have read that a thousand times on the PCOS websites! She then pointed out my uterus. She said that the lining was a little thin but that it was probably from the clomid.

So her main concern is tweaking my ovulation. She said that all the information pointed to PCOS and that we'd work on that and then go from there if that didn't work. So our game plan for this month is that I would start Femara 2.5 twice at night on days 3-7. The Femara doesn't have all the side effects that clomid has. (It was actually cheaper than my last clomid dosage... at Wal-Mart I got 10 pills for $15). I also will be taking an HCG shot in my hip when she instructs me to do so. (She guided me to an online pharmacy to order this one... $41) I will have an ultrasound on day 12 or 13 of my cycle to check my eggs. The HCG shot will make me release an egg. She taught us how to mix the powder and the liquid to create the shot. She also showed Michael exactly where to give it.

I knew that I had symptoms of PCOS and that Jeni, my midwife, had suspected it; however it was good to get a pretty sure confirmation. She told me that eventually my thyroid would probably stop working and my synthroid dosage would have to be upped at the point. It explains my sluggish thyroid, stray facial hair (which has driven me crazy my whole life! thank God for electrolysis), and having a hard time with losing weight, plus my infertility!

Top Prayer Requests At The Moment?

**That would be Prayer that my eggs will be of good quality and big enough when they do an ultrasound.

**That my midwife in Corbin will be able to work with me on the ultrasounds so that I don't have to travel 2 hours every time one is needed! (and that we can try to schedule these around work so that I don't have to miss a ton of days!)

**That this works!

Ps. My mom did get out of the hospital. We are pretty sure that she passed her kidney stone! Praise God! Always keep her in your Prayers as well!