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Saturday, May 24, 2008

Catching you up....Waiting is hard....God grant me the grace to wait right!

Good Morning All,

I am in Louisville this morning and it seems like it is going to be a beautiful day. Just an update on the baby situation.... still nothing. I have come to realize that waiting is so hard. No matter how much I try to be good, I can't help but have thoughts that enter my mind about the situation. Sometimes I see folks who have never uttered thanks to God for anything. At other times I see young teenagers with children that they really weren't ready for and sometimes didn't and still don't want. I know children in my school who have parents that really don't want them around. The common link? They all have these children that some of us long for and can't seem to get.
Now before I get a ton of comments that say... "Alesha you know God has a purpose for each of those folks and for you" let me go ahead and answer that by saying "Yes, I know." I realize that. I honestly believe that. But it is still a hard row to hoe. (Throwing in some of my country vernacular there hehe) I'm not bitter and I'm trying hard each day to be happy, jolly, and grateful for what I know God will do. I do believe He will do it, it's just sometimes my mind gets overwhelmed by the thoughts of "What could be wrong?" My husband is fine. His tests all came back good. I am taking my meds as prescribed. I am being healthy. Probably healthier than I've been in a long while. I've dropped 10 pounds in the last couple of months. I am taking my vitamins, folic acid (have been on that since college just for this reason!), and I am not consuming myself with the whole thing. I'm not stressing and worrying every single moment of each day. Yet, I'm still babyless. And though I know folks mean well, some of the things they say just make me want to scream. It's almost as if they think I am sabotaging myself by wanting this to happen. I am tired of hearing, "You're trying too hard" or "When you stop thinking about it, it will happen." How do I not try so hard? I have to try on certain days and I have to think about it occasionally.
Oh, what a post, huh? I just realized that I hadn't posted in awhile and I thought to myself, "What is there to post about this morning?" and this is what developed. Please don't think I am grumbling, being mean towards folks who haven't had a hard time, or those who mean well with their thoughts. I'm not. I love each of you and each of those who don't read this but fit the "comment" category. I am just saying what's on my heart.
With that said, I am so glad that I can take this burden to Jesus and lay it at His feet because I don't know what I would do if I couldn't. Talk about heart ache, that would be heart ache.
So let me end with a prayer. That would be fitting. I'm always asking for God's guidance and grace.

Dear Father,

Please Lord grant me the grace that I need to continue on this path. I want to make it to the end of this experience and be able to say that I handled it in a way that is uplifting toward you. Please Jesus, when You feel that it is the right time, please send us a child. Let he/she be devoted to You in the womb and I pray that this child will serve You all the days of his/her life. I pray also that until I meet this child or even know of his/her existence, that You will let he/she enjoy getting to know those that I love so much that are already there with You. I know there's no proof that that can happen but I'm not living by proof anyway. I am living by faith. I have faith that Danielle, Mamaw & Papaw Brittain, Papaw Brock, Shauna, Uncle Bruce, Edie, Sister Helen, etc. can inspire this child even now. Maybe they are even molding it for me as we speak. How precious You are Lord to let those thoughts comfort me! Jesus, go before me and just prepare the way. I thank You for loving me even though I never, ever show You enough love as hard as I try. I praise You for the joy that I have in my heart even through the tough times and I thank You for all the healing and health that You have provided me and those that I hold so dear to my heart. I thank You most importantly for my salvation and Your saving grace that I know those that I am Praying the hardest for, will accept when the time is right. Continue to lead us on and help us through this situation. Help us to never let this time or any time be in vain. Mold and shape our hearts into what they should be. Help us to continue to grow.

In Great Love and Thanks,

Amen

Originally posted May 10, 2008

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