News From Yesterday's Ultrasound

I went back for my final ultrasound yesterday. Two of my eggs had stopped growing so I am left with 2. I, of course, have worried about that. However, I do realize that maybe it was an answer to my Prayer to God that I wouldn't have to be put in a decision to decide about extra babies that my little uterus didn't have room for.

My doctor called me at about 5:30 yesterday evening after I had just gotten finished crying out some of my frustration and was reading my Bible. She told me that my estradiol level was 469 which was right where she wanted it. I asked her if she still thought I had a good shot at it this cycle and she said yes. She went on to say that we were going to be extremely aggressive next cycle if this one didn't work because she really wants me pregnant by the end of the next cycle. This has been my biggest fear the entire time, not getting pregnant in this 6 month window after surgery because this is the best time for it to work. The aggressive cycle she was telling me about will include triple the meds I have been on which is triple the money that I've been paying. She also said that we'd really be flirting with multiples with the increase in meds. Talk about sick. I felt like I was going to throw up after calculating that up.

I completely let go after hanging up and I just cried and grieved my heart out. Here I had just gotten good news about my estradiol levels and I was already worrying about money for the next cycle because I have to order all that this week. I cried and cried and my mother (my best earthly friend in the world) was at a loss. She, of course, started tearing up and told me that it was so hard to watch me daily hang on by a thread. That pretty much sums up how I feel. Just hanging by a tiny thread that is ready to break at any given moment.

Guys, I'm sick of worrying about getting pregnant, yet I can't let go of it. I'm so mentally exhausted that I can't even remember what it was I use to think about before infertility. I can't remember who I was, because I have definitely lost most of that person in these last 2 years. I tired of being on pins and needles every day. I'm physically exhausted with all the running and trying to do all my normal things as well. I'm tired of having to answer questions all the time out in public and having to act ok when sometimes I'm really not. God please help me! I feel like I am trapped in a hole and I can't see my way clear.

I know things could be worse. I am so thankful that I have a wonderful family who are all still alive and ok. I'm thankful for my Salvation and for all my many blessings. I just don't know how else to deal with my dream of becoming a mother slipping further away. I trust God and I know He has a plan. I just definitely need your Prayers to help me continue on. I gave this cycle to God on the day it started and I have been trying to not think so much about it. I was doing really good with that until yesterday.

I haven't the slightest idea how I will come up with these massive amounts of money each month and the consequences of an extremely aggressive cycle, ie. multiple babies. I'm trying to just not think and lean on God. Please Pray that I can do just that.

In the midst of all my personal turmoil, I still want to thank my precious Savior for His love and His patience with me. HE alone knows what my frame can take and I trust Him no matter how hard this is. I love you Father.

Day 9 update

So... I had an early morning today. I was up at 5 and out the door by 5:30 to head to my doctor. She checked my estradiol levels and they were 62... she wants them to continue to increase to 200. I had 3-4 eggs on my good side a few on the other side. She said that it was good that the other side didn't have any eggs larger than my good side. I have to go back again on Friday to get another ultrasound. Please Pray that these eggs continue to mature and that they continue to grow in size as well. I have to continue my 2 amps of HMG with 1cc of fluid today and tomorrow and then she'll tell me where to go from there next.

Michael's friend from work called him today and shared with him that he had had us on his heart last night. He said he felt extremely burdened for us and Prayed very hard for us last night. The funny thing, actually the "God" thing, was that Michael hadn't even talked to David about it in months and he had no idea I was heading to the doctor today. I'm so thankful to have so many good friends out there that are burdened for us. That's truly a blessing. It's great to know that so many folks are interceding on our behalf. That's why I love my friends at work so much... they are always so faithful in their Prayers. The same goes for my most wonderful, awesome blogger pals. Talk about encouragement.

I will keep you posted... just keep on Praying. God's listening and I'm feeling your Prayers!

love to you all...

Alesha :D

Ps. Does anyone know a lot about the Estradiol levels?

My Decision

I have decided after much thought and much time in Prayer with God to take the Clomid days 3-7. I Pray that I have made the right decision and I feel as though I have because God led me to this decision. I have felt at peace with it. I should start my period on Saturday or Sunday if my Christmas miracle was delayed. I believe that I will get to have a child, but sometimes it seems like I'm going backward in that tunnel I mentioned a few posts ago. I feel as though the light that I could see at the end is now dim again. I'm just really not at a good point personally and I am doing all the things I know to do to get myself back to a better place. I am definitely leaning on God because I couldn't even get out of bed right now if it weren't for Him. I am just mentally worn out with this situation and my emotions. I'm mentally worn out with the fact that I am truly not myself right now. I can't do the things I use to do... I can't even communicate with people the way that I always have. I even have to work hard to communicate with my precious Savior at times.

On top of it all, my husband and I are trying to buy our first house because we found one that we loved and that would be an awesome deal. Well, we have had major issues with the seller and now I think there's someone else looking at it as well. Please Pray that if it's God's will for us to buy this house that He will help the seller to relax and just follow through with it and that no one else will buy it. I'm ready to buy a home and to enjoy some of the luxuries (and problems I'm sure) of being a home owner.

Lastly, please keep my aunt in your Prayers. She goes back to the doctor this Friday to find out if her Ovarian Cancer has spread to other organs. She is scared and I can see why. I have a really good feeling about it but I still greatly desire your Prayers. I really want this to come back good and for her to start her treatments and be on the road to recovery. She is really looking at life a lot differently as anyone would when they go through something like that. I love her dearly and I want everything to be ok with her.

Just Pray dear friends. Pray, Pray, Pray and know that I love each of you and I appreciate all your thoughts, Prayers, encouragement, and comments more than you'll ever know!


Ps. I did learn that when you have ovarian cancer or in men, prostate cancer, your hormones surge and that a big indicator is that you would test positive for pregnancy on a pregnancy test. So... just a thought but ... I think it'd be a good idea for folks to take a cheap pregnancy test each month to just make sure that it wasn't showing up as pregnant. My aunt's showed up as pregnant and the nurse actually argued with her telling her she was definitely pregnant when she knew she wasn't. Just a thought and something important I wanted to pass along to you guys.

No eggs

This is a quick post to ask each of you to Pray for me.. struggling a lot here. I went to the doctor yesterday (Christmas Eve) and I had no eggs on my good side. I did have 2 on the right side. She said that you can get pregnant from the opposite side but that it is highly unlikely. God still performs miracles though! Please Pray for a Christmas miracle.

I'm really shocked that with the mixed cycle of pills and shots I only produced 2 eggs. That's less than I produce on the pills by themselves! I just don't understand it. Next cycle will be all shots.

Also, when I got home yesterday (a 3hr drive round trip) I was informed that my aunt was heading into emergency surgery. We then left to go there (another 3 hr drive round trip)They found a huge tumor on her ovary and it is cancer. The doctor seems really positive but she is going to have a lot to go through. Please Pray for her. It was an extremely long day yesterday.

Ps. Does anyone know of anyone who has gotten pregnant from the opposite side with the opposite tube?

HAPPY BIRTHDAY PRECIOUS SAVIOR! THANK YOU FOR BEING MY BEST FRIEND!!!
LUKE 1:37

Cycle 2 Post Surgery

So... I am currently taking Femara 7.5 days 3-7 ($15.00). On days 8 and 9, I will mix 2 powders with 1 cc of liquid and take my HMG shots ($281.20). Wednesday, Christmas Eve, I will be heading to the doctor for an ultrasound to see the sizes and locations of my follicles (eggs). If need be, I will take one more HMG shot. If I don't need it, I will be taking my HCG trigger shot ($43.00) that night and having an insemination ($215.00) on Friday the 26th. The doctor said that she is pretty sure that it will roll out that way. It is really hard to turn over that much money and wonder if it will work. Please Pray that we do not have to keep coming up with that much money to do this each month. I know that God knows me and my emotional well being.... I'm glad He does. I know that He knows that I feel as though I am going to crack at the seams sometimes. I have to constantly keep turning it all back over to Him. He is faithful and good and He will supply my needs in His time.

PLEASE PRAY FOR:

* Lots of good eggs on my left ovary.
* This to be the month if God wills it to be.
* My journey will be moving in a different direction via pregnancy soon.
* My mental well being.
* My family who have really stood by me through this and have dealt with a lot.
* My friends who are so awesome!
* Another special request!
* My Christmas because we will not be able to celebrate with my in-laws during the actual holiday.... this stresses me out. I feel so bad asking people to change their plans because of me.
* Everyone during this holiday season! Pray that they will come to a Saving knowledge of our Precious Savior!


This Psalm touched my heart this morning as I read during my planning period.

Psalm 27 (King James Version)

1The LORD is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? the LORD is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?
2When the wicked, even mine enemies and my foes, came upon me to eat up my flesh, they stumbled and fell.
3Though an host should encamp against me, my heart shall not fear: though war should rise against me, in this will I be confident.
4One thing have I desired of the LORD, that will I seek after; that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to behold the beauty of the LORD, and to enquire in his temple.
5For in the time of trouble he shall hide me in his pavilion: in the secret of his tabernacle shall he hide me; he shall set me up upon a rock.
6And now shall mine head be lifted up above mine enemies round about me: therefore will I offer in his tabernacle sacrifices of joy; I will sing, yea, I will sing praises unto the LORD.
7Hear, O LORD, when I cry with my voice: have mercy also upon me, and answer me.
8When thou saidst, Seek ye my face; my heart said unto thee, Thy face, LORD, will I seek.
9Hide not thy face far from me; put not thy servant away in anger: thou hast been my help; leave me not, neither forsake me, O God of my salvation.
10When my father and my mother forsake me, then the LORD will take me up.
11Teach me thy way, O LORD, and lead me in a plain path, because of mine enemies.
12Deliver me not over unto the will of mine enemies: for false witnesses are risen up against me, and such as breathe out cruelty.
13I had fainted, unless I had believed to see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living.
14Wait on the LORD: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the LORD.


I love each of you!

Still Waiting....

My period has made no appearance yet. I Prayed for God to please let this next cycle fall after Christmas. It is so difficult to be at family events and have to worry about taking shots and having to try to conceive. I think this may be the answer to my Prayer. Thank You Father! Thank You for blessing me this year with a peaceful Christmas. After waiting since Thursday to see red, I decided to take another test. I know, I know. My blood test was negative. I get that. But, you just never know, so I took it. And it, too, was a BFN.

I have to say guys, I'm definitely in a "funk." I just can't seem to snap out of it. I have had a great weekend with my little brother's (a senior) football team winning the State Championship. This was the first time in 17 years! And they were undefeated the entire year. They have lost 1 game in 2 years and that was last year. And I am excited.... but still kinda down.

After our win, I was greeted by old friends. It was really fun until 2 different people pretty much made me feel really stupid with some pretty stupid comments. The comments dealt with infertility.... imagine that? And it happened all because satan decided that he wanted to tear me down for giving God the glory throughout this entire football season and the entire championship game.

Will I be ok? Yea... I told Jesus that I can hold on...but I need His strength. I just honestly don't know how much longer I can mentally hang on. But... as I have said all along... God is good. God is soo good and He will stand up at the right hand of the Father for me soon. I know He will. I ask even now... Lord... stand up for me. Help me defeat this monster called infertility. Bless me Lord with a precious little miracle and most importantly help me to have "Peace that passes all understanding."

Please guys... Pray that this cycle will be "the cycle." My Savior knows my heavy and overwhelmed heart. He knows that I'm growing more and more weary by the day. Pray that this cycle, if it be His will, will just fall into place. Pray that the meds will be the right meds and that the days will fall right. Pray for the insemination that will take place. Please, please Pray for my heavy heart.

Love To You All!

Warning!!!! Post Op Update... Including Pics.... Not For The Squimish!

Today I went to see my doctor for my post op visit. I was suppose to go on Thursday but since she will be assisting another doctor in surgery, they called and rescheduled me for today. I was there at 9am and went back at about 9:30. The first thing that she did was show me my pictures. WOW! How interesting! My husband was a little bit nervous about looking at pictures of my insides but he realized that my mom was right when she said that it was definitely not blood and gore. It is actually pretty cool. How many women can say that they know what their ovaries, tubes, and uterus looks like? Only those of us who have had laproscopic surgery to find out. What a bond we share girls!

So.... the doctor first pointed out my uterus. She compared it to a photo of a normal uterus. My uterus (when the picture is taken from the inside) looks like a tube whereas those of you with a normal uterus would show up as a triangle. I asked if she had seen a lot of women with my condition and she said yes and that they had had children. Encouraging! She also told me again that most women do not even know until they go into labor early and the baby is breech.

She then pointed out a bit of scar tissue on my bowel (which had nothing to do with all this except for the fact that it was in the way) and on my tube. I stiffened up a bit when she pointed the scarring on my tube but it was nothing major and was not located near the fingers of the tube which could damage them so severely that the only route would be In vitro (right Kim?) She then pointed out that my left tube (the one I need to get pregnant off of) had 2 cysts that she removed. She said that when the cysts get larger, they weigh the tube down and cause it to pull away from the ovary. So she fixed that as well. Lastly, she pointed out the endometriosis on my right and left ovary. There wasn't much there at all but she removed it because any of it can cause problems when trying to get pregnant.

Lastly, we walked back to the front lab area and discussed meds for the next cycles (hopefully only 1). She told me that she wanted me pregnant in the next 6 months before the endometriosis could return and that in order to do that we needed to make sure my left ovary was producing eggs each month. So we will start out with the Femara that I had been taking to see what happens. If that doesn't work she said that we would move straight back to the Clomid (I was unmonitored on it before when I was at Corbin so I have no idea if I ovulated or not), and finally if I am still having issues with getting my left side to produce eggs, we would move to injectibles. She told me that the rate of twins would be 25% with the injectibles and that she really wanted me to have a singleton (1 baby) but if we had to go that route to get pregnant, we would. She doesn't want me to have to deal with the endometriosis slowing me down or stopping me from conceiving.

So..... I am sort of excited..... a bit nervous.... and very ready to get this show on the road. This month when I see red I will be beyond excited to start trying again. Though I have enjoyed taking this cycle off to find out what I needed to know and to be able to have tests run on my kidney and take meds for this crazy cold (finally!), I am ready to get back on track.

Speaking of my kidneys... I did find out Monday, via ultrasound, that I do indeed have 2. That's wonderful! We still have to check their function to ensure that they are working correctly but my doctor here at home thinks that it will turn out fine because of my prior blood work results over the past year. I have to have a CT scan done on Wed. November 19 to check that out.

I think that's about it besides these lovely pictures I am revealing HAHA! Please continue to Pray for me. Pray for these needs:

1. God will send me a child/children when He sees fit. He knows the right month and He isn't on the time frame that we are.
2. Continue to Pray for my mental well being.... it is still a daily struggle.... a cross that I bear daily to live in the life among children and pregnant folks that I love so dearly and to not be able to join them or provide them someone to play with yet.
3. That God will let me find out about my kidneys and that everything will turn out ok.
4. Continue Praying for my dear friend Beth. And add another friend who's name I won't mention to your list. She is facing a very difficult battle that goes beyond infertility.

P.s. Congrats to one of my Besties Ms. Kimmy.... AKA Kim (that I work with). She found out this morning that she is having a baby boy. I am sure Lucas will love that. He'll have a partner in crime!

Now for the Pics:
(I hope you can see her handwriting. She made notes as to all the things I talked about above. You can click the pics to make them larger.)

This first set of pics shows my bowl scar, the left and only side of my uterus, and endometriosis on my right ovary.

The second set of pics show the small amount of scar tissue on my tube, the 2 cysts on my tube and the end of my tube. They also show the endometriosis on my left ovary and the blue stuff at the bottom of the tube in the last shot shows that my left tube is indeed open. Praise God for that!

This last set of pics show the view from inside my uterus. Notice the tube like look.

Laproscopy This Friday!

So let me tell u from multiple experiences.... God is soo good all the time even when we feel as though He isn't hearing us. God took my situation yesterday and answered it perfectly. The insurance lady at the doctor called me back and said that they had scheduled my surgery for this Friday ( perfect because I have a 4 day weekend this weekend) and that it was covered... not all of it but the majority! How awesome! I couldn't have set it all up this way if I had have tried! God is soo good to me. He blesses me even when I'm not blessing Him. I really feel that the surgery will be a better fit based on the fact that nothing is working thus far and the fact that my mom had bad endometriosis. Hopefully, PRAYERFULLY they will find simple things to fix and then I'll get pregnant! Please keep Praying! Thanks for lifting me up!

Plan for this Month Cycle 3 with Femara

Hi guys: (for you Jenileigh!)

First of all, THANK YOU SO MUCH for your continued Prayers and faithfulness as my friends. I have felt those Prayers more than ever this month as I have went through receiving another negative via my period. God is such a comfort and I am so in love with Him. He is so good to me. I have done well this month but it is only by His grace and mercy that I wasn't consumed with depression over another month without a child. My baby is on it's way, I just know that it is.

This month, I brought up the IUI topic again. The doctor said that we could consider IUI and that she was going to up my Femara dosage to 3 pills (7.5mg) per night from days 3-10. I Pray that this will create bigger eggs and more of them. I go to the doctor next Monday for an ultrasound and possibly an IUI after that on Wed. or Thurs. Just Pray that if it is God's will, I will have two big enough follicles to do an IUI. I just want to have a child. I know God will lead me the right way. Just Pray for me.

God's Delays Are Not God's Denials

Well.... a friend of mine at work told my mom that she remembered this saying (in the title above) from years ago. She had heard a preacher say it and she said it just stuck with her. Well... I'm claiming this promise today because I have had a slight delay. Today I woke up feeling like I was going to be sick and with some cramps. At around 11:30 (after a busy, busy morning including tons of extra work that I was handed) I started my period. I just stared at the toilet paper for a minute or two and said oh, oh. I was upset but I had to put on a facade because I'm dealing with 100 kids a day at work that can tell when you've been crying. I did pretty well for the most part. I told those who were waiting to find out with me in a nonchalant way and kept saying it's ok, it's ok.

Then my doctor called back after hearing my message and gave me instructions on what to do this month. Well.... actually her nurse called. I will be doing the exact same thing as last month but this month they were going to do my ultrasound on cycle day 16. Well, if you know me you know that I am a control freak. I started worrying that I may ovulate before that day (because you just never know, right? especially if your cycles are unpredictable). So I decided I'd just try a little early in case. Well the more I thought about it, the more I started stressing and my mom was like, "Just call and ask the doctor." So I did. Her receptionist called me back and then I explained it all to her and she had the doctor call me back. The doctor said that I could come on day 14 instead to be safe if I wanted and that she was just thinking that I ovulate late. And I just might, but in case I'd like to be sure that I don't miss it. She also said that if my eggs aren't big enough (here's a Prayer request guys!!!!) that I'll have to miss work and drive 2 hours back to her office again 2 days later. I hate missing so much work but if I have to I have to. (Plus my mom has to have a test run on the day before so I'll be missing 2 days because if they find that she still has part of the kidney stone that she passed still in her, they will have to take her straight into surgery.)

The doctor also mentioned for me to consider doing IUI this month, but I think I'm gonna ask her if I can try regularly for one more month because my husband is just starting a new job about an hour and a half away from where we live (3+ hours from the doctor) and I can't ask him to ask for a day off his second week. May I ask, why does everything hit all at once? I'm sure many of you wonder that yourselves.

Anyway, do you think I made the right decisions? I am Praying for God to help me and to carry me through this experience. It's so hard. There is a lady at work who is just about ready to have her baby and I am so excited for her because she had unexplained infertility for years and just ended up pregnant last year out of the blue. With that said, it is still hard. I passed her today after seeing red and I had to walk into the bathroom because I started crying. It's not that I am not excited for her, I just want to join her. I want to feel excited knowing that I am carrying my very own child. I love my husband and I would so very much like to experience this with him.

My husband has been so sweet about it today. He has listened to me talk and cry so much and he keeps telling me that maybe God is preventing me from going through something worse, like a miscarriage or something. He says that God sees the perfect time and that it will happen for us. That's really true. I know God is delaying this for some reason. I know that I am a faithful Christian who really tries to do the right thing every day. I'm not perfect by any means, but I strive to be like Jesus. I just Pray that God's will will be accomplished in my life. I'm not mad at Him today and I am still thankful for this thorn in my side that draws me closer to Him. And maybe that's just it, maybe He knows that I need to draw even closer and that's why He hasn't removed it yet.

God, I know your will is perfect and without blemish. I Pray for it's presence in my life. I Pray that Your hands would be upon my womb and that You would just open it at the exact right moment. Lord, You know why I want a child. You know that I want to teach it all about You and to point to You throughout his/her whole life. Lord, I am faithful and I have been my entire life. I am trying to be what you want me to be. Lord Your Word says to give reasons as to why our Prayers should be answered, and these are my reasons. Lastly, Lord I want to give my parents a precious grandchild that their hearts just long for. I want my children to be able to be influenced by them as much as I was growing up. I thank You Lord for Your presence and guidance in my life and the lives of my family. Please just help me to overcome infertility and to continue to overcome this world.

In Your Precious and Holiest Name I Pray,
Amen.

Infertility Update!

Hi guys,

I went to my doctor's appointment on Thursday (after a tremendous amount of drama leading up to the appointment including taking my mom to the ER and staying until she got admitted). Michael went with me and we got there right on time. Dr. Harris was so nice. She sat down and talked with me for about 45 minutes. We went through my family history and my personal history. Just from what I told her, she felt as though it was PCOS causing the issues. Then she checked me out.

During the vaginal ultrasound she pointed out my ovaries and the "pearl like" chain of cysts around each of them. I have read that a thousand times on the PCOS websites! She then pointed out my uterus. She said that the lining was a little thin but that it was probably from the clomid.

So her main concern is tweaking my ovulation. She said that all the information pointed to PCOS and that we'd work on that and then go from there if that didn't work. So our game plan for this month is that I would start Femara 2.5 twice at night on days 3-7. The Femara doesn't have all the side effects that clomid has. (It was actually cheaper than my last clomid dosage... at Wal-Mart I got 10 pills for $15). I also will be taking an HCG shot in my hip when she instructs me to do so. (She guided me to an online pharmacy to order this one... $41) I will have an ultrasound on day 12 or 13 of my cycle to check my eggs. The HCG shot will make me release an egg. She taught us how to mix the powder and the liquid to create the shot. She also showed Michael exactly where to give it.

I knew that I had symptoms of PCOS and that Jeni, my midwife, had suspected it; however it was good to get a pretty sure confirmation. She told me that eventually my thyroid would probably stop working and my synthroid dosage would have to be upped at the point. It explains my sluggish thyroid, stray facial hair (which has driven me crazy my whole life! thank God for electrolysis), and having a hard time with losing weight, plus my infertility!

Top Prayer Requests At The Moment?

**That would be Prayer that my eggs will be of good quality and big enough when they do an ultrasound.

**That my midwife in Corbin will be able to work with me on the ultrasounds so that I don't have to travel 2 hours every time one is needed! (and that we can try to schedule these around work so that I don't have to miss a ton of days!)

**That this works!

Ps. My mom did get out of the hospital. We are pretty sure that she passed her kidney stone! Praise God! Always keep her in your Prayers as well!