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Saturday, March 14, 2009

News From Yesterday's Ultrasound

I went back for my final ultrasound yesterday. Two of my eggs had stopped growing so I am left with 2. I, of course, have worried about that. However, I do realize that maybe it was an answer to my Prayer to God that I wouldn't have to be put in a decision to decide about extra babies that my little uterus didn't have room for.

My doctor called me at about 5:30 yesterday evening after I had just gotten finished crying out some of my frustration and was reading my Bible. She told me that my estradiol level was 469 which was right where she wanted it. I asked her if she still thought I had a good shot at it this cycle and she said yes. She went on to say that we were going to be extremely aggressive next cycle if this one didn't work because she really wants me pregnant by the end of the next cycle. This has been my biggest fear the entire time, not getting pregnant in this 6 month window after surgery because this is the best time for it to work. The aggressive cycle she was telling me about will include triple the meds I have been on which is triple the money that I've been paying. She also said that we'd really be flirting with multiples with the increase in meds. Talk about sick. I felt like I was going to throw up after calculating that up.

I completely let go after hanging up and I just cried and grieved my heart out. Here I had just gotten good news about my estradiol levels and I was already worrying about money for the next cycle because I have to order all that this week. I cried and cried and my mother (my best earthly friend in the world) was at a loss. She, of course, started tearing up and told me that it was so hard to watch me daily hang on by a thread. That pretty much sums up how I feel. Just hanging by a tiny thread that is ready to break at any given moment.

Guys, I'm sick of worrying about getting pregnant, yet I can't let go of it. I'm so mentally exhausted that I can't even remember what it was I use to think about before infertility. I can't remember who I was, because I have definitely lost most of that person in these last 2 years. I tired of being on pins and needles every day. I'm physically exhausted with all the running and trying to do all my normal things as well. I'm tired of having to answer questions all the time out in public and having to act ok when sometimes I'm really not. God please help me! I feel like I am trapped in a hole and I can't see my way clear.

I know things could be worse. I am so thankful that I have a wonderful family who are all still alive and ok. I'm thankful for my Salvation and for all my many blessings. I just don't know how else to deal with my dream of becoming a mother slipping further away. I trust God and I know He has a plan. I just definitely need your Prayers to help me continue on. I gave this cycle to God on the day it started and I have been trying to not think so much about it. I was doing really good with that until yesterday.

I haven't the slightest idea how I will come up with these massive amounts of money each month and the consequences of an extremely aggressive cycle, ie. multiple babies. I'm trying to just not think and lean on God. Please Pray that I can do just that.

In the midst of all my personal turmoil, I still want to thank my precious Savior for His love and His patience with me. HE alone knows what my frame can take and I trust Him no matter how hard this is. I love you Father.


5 Remarks:

Melissa

hey alesha, you are in my thoughts and prayers every single day. I'm not sure what to say because I have never been there, but I know that you will be a mother. Like I said before, God would not have placed those amazing desires in your heart otherwise. I could not imagine how bad the waiting is for you. Sometimes I just wish God would send us an e-mail and explain a few things lol. Your faith is truly truly truly amazing and I can see it growing even stronger within each post.

I know it sounds odd, but I always go back to whenever God told me that I was going to marry Calvin in a dream three years prior to me meeting him when I read your posts sometimes. Those three years were soooo hard (a kabillion things going on). I would find out that he was dating, and I was like "Hello God, I have been WAITING on him three years, what's going on?" it ended up that Calvin went to Victory Rd in high school that's why I didn't know him, which is still odd bc I know most people that when there. But whenever we met, I truly knew that it was God, it could not have been a coinsidence or anything else. I questioned myself a hundred times "did I really hear from God, am I really going to marry Calvin, am I just crazy?" The number one thing that it taught me was that God is soooooooo faithful. Sometimes I wondered how come we didn't meet in high school instead of three years after high school, but God's timing is perfect. I'm not for sure where I'm going with this, so I'll end it here. love ya alesha! =)

beth ewing

oh girl. your words echo thoughts i have had so many times. i felt this way last fall and again after the miscarriage. i too was barely hanging on by a thread. just know that when you are weak, we are here to lift you up in prayer.

Anonymous

Everything will be okay. You'll see.

Praying for Hope

Infertility is one of the most trying situations. You'll get through this, somehow. You've had the strength to make it this far. You'll have the strength you need to make it further, if necessary. In the meantime, you have a doctor who's working with you and genuinely seems to care about getting you pregnant. You'll get there.

Samantha

I am praying for you, I pray the Lord blesses you. The Lord will take care of you. And He will give you strength when you are weak!!