The Heart Of An Infertile

Almost 28 weeks later, here I am pregnant with a little girl who I just adore even though I only know her through her kicks and her presence. But I truly would give my life to make sure she is ok. So much has changed. I feel so different in many ways. I am planning for something that I have Prayed about for many years. I am getting to do all the things I thought I'd never get to do. But in many ways, I am still the infertile who's heart hurts.

If I never get to have another child, I will still feel blessed. I Pray I get the opportunity to, but to be able to go through this once is such a miracle to me. I have enjoyed every moment, even those that are not so good and not so pleasant. Is it crazy that I can be out in town and hear a baby crying and still tear up? I did that before I got pregnant. It hurt my heart to hear that sound because I feared that I may never hear my own child cry. Is it crazy that when my best friend from college called the other day to tell me about her findings from her RE and was sobbing and broken hearted, that I, too, broke down just as though it were happening to me all over again? Is it crazy that when I kneel to Pray that all my infertile friends (all infertile folks actually) are some of the first to come to my mind? I don't think any of it is crazy personally. I always wondered if I would continue to harbor these feelings, and I have my answer... I do. I think it is God's purpose for me to carry the burden for infertility because I have been there.

I get asked all the time if I ever got so low that I didn't have a clue which way to turn. Definitely! All infertility is hard, but when you are so emotionally, financially, & physically drained from going through month after month of failed cycles that cost so much it is extremely difficult. When you are so exhausted with having to plan how to use your sick days in the most effective way, how to get off work to get to your RE 2 hours away and then get back to finish teaching, and how to have enough energy to do your normal activities.... that's when it gets hard. The hardest point is being too mentally and emotionally stable to even be yourself anymore. You can't go to your friend's baby showers, hold their children, hear them cry, listen to folks tell you that you don't understand because you don't have kids.... you know you are low.

But... in some way, God answers your Prayers. Not always does that mean you get pregnant, ask Elaine over at God's Faithfulness Through Infertility. But God does have His own plan for each of us. And it is much easier to talk about that plan when you are looking back than it is to talk about it when you are still wondering what it is. Do I know my total plan? No. Do I still have fears? Most definitely. I carry things in the back of my mind, especially due to my high risk status and issues. But I trust that God knows best. I Pray that He sees fit for this little girl to be born healthy and in His time. I Praise Him for this opportunity that to me is the greatest miracle aside from Salvation!

So to my infertile friends... please know that I have not forgotten you and God hasn't forgotten you! I don't know what's to come in each of your lives, but I Pray that it is what your heart desires. I Pray for each of you all the time and I love you dearly though I've never met most of you. Know that I still grieve with you and I still feel the pain of infertility as I did 7 months ago. You are in my Prayers daily and I am rooting for each of you!