Zoey Arrives .... Part 2

 Me... hours before my water broke!

So.... finally I am finishing this..

I came to my bedroom and laid down in the bed.  I dozed off as I knew I would.  I had had barely any sleep in days and had been up since 5am that day.  At 11:01pm I felt a gush.  I jumped out of bed and felt it gush again.  I yelled for Michael and ran to the bathroom.  Michael came in and asked if maybe I had peed on myself... lol  I replied that if I did it was still coming.  I knew that wasn't it.  I had called my mom from the bathroom and she was freaking out and rushing around to get to my house before we left.  I managed to call my doctor and he told me that it was ok and that I would have time to make it there. He also said that they would give me some meds to try to stop my labor for a bit and administer steroid shots for Zoey's lungs.  I started grabbing a few more things (I had already packed a few things along with Zoey's in her diaper bag) and I threw on my clothes.  I don't have a clue why I didn't throw on a pad ( I didn't when I had the massive bleed either).  I guess it's because I was rushing.  Instead of taking my car, my husband wanted to take his...(we actually just sold this car, too... anyway...) because it is faster.

Of course my car had gas and his didn't.  We ran to the gas station to get gas...we actually had to get it at "The Chicken" because Shell was already closed ... and there were a billion people there.  I was on my Blackberry (beloved phone RIP) the whole time with my friend Kim and my friend Deanna.  After getting gas, we ran back by my house and my momma was parked and waiting.  She grabbed Zoey's bag and car seat base from my car along with the car seat from her car and got in.  Off we went.... flying (literally) down the road.  For those of you who don't know my husband, let me tell ya, he is Mr. Fast.  He use to race his sports cars when he was young... this was his chance to do it again lol.  He flew to Knoxville.  Every time I would groan... he'd gun the car.  I was having contractions the whole way.  They were just funny feeling at first.. a little uncomfortable then they started to hurt a bit.  It was crazy and my poor momma was just Praying that we'd get there safely haha. 

We did get there safely.  I went to the ER and it was all too familiar.  I remember walking in the same ER with wet, bloody shorts back in July, now here I was walking in with wet maternity jeans and being wheeled up to have my lil girl!  What a blessing!   After arriving a L&D triage, I was welcomed by some of the residents that had seen me about 3 weeks prior for the BV infection.  They evaluated me and then put me in a triage room.  Another doctor, who was also pregnant, came in the check me.  The fluid didn't register as amniotic fluid on any of the 3 tests that they did.  She checked the fluid around Zoey via ultrasound and it was still pretty good... crazy!  I told her that I knew it was my water that had broken.. I knew I wasn't crazy.  She then checked me.  I was 4.5cm dilated.  They then knew that I was right... I knew I was in labor.  I had been feeling it all day and just didn't know that's what it was!  I always wondered if I would know a contraction... well I didn't.  It's true.  Folks tell you that you will just know that it's a contraction... well sometimes you just don't.  I didn't.  At least not until my water broke and they got harder.  I then realized that I had been feeling those all day and wasn't even realizing it. 

The pregnant doctor told me that I may go ahead and have Zoey.  I explained to her what Dr. Howard had said.  I also told her that if I had to have Zoey that night, I was requesting a C-section.  Now this has been a debate for awhile now between folks and I.  Mainly because everyone has a different view.  My view was only to keep my lil girl as safe as possible.  I have so many different issues (those of you who have followed our story know this) some of which could cause some issues with natural delivery.  I was in no way ready to take that chance... especially with a doctor that I didn't know.  I got a little heated with her and told her that I wasn't doing anything until I spoke with my doctors.  We ended on a good note..I wasn't trying to be rude but I did want her to know that I was serious about doing whatever my doctor felt would be ok for my daughter.

I was moved to a permanent room.  My doctor was called and they told me that they were starting me on some different drugs to try to stop my labor.  By then I was really feeling uncomfortable.  I probably would have moved really fast had I not taken these drugs but we were trying to get more time for Zoey so it was worth it.  I was also given a steroid shot around 1 am or so I think.  They told me that regardless of what happened with my labor, I would have this little girl by Sunday (November 29).  My water had broken and you are at risk for infection after that (and something did show up in my pathology report from the placenta). 

The whole night I was in and out of sleep.  Obviously, labor doesn't feel good... and the meds they gave me for pain just weren't cutting it.  I froze Michael and momma too death.  I was sooo miserably hot the entire time I was pregnant.  They slept on a fold out couch in my room under covers and coats.  You could almost see your breath.  I was laying there with my socks off, roasting.  

I took brethine and a few others.  I didn't have to do the magnesium, though they actually started to try that.  I was so glad I didn't have to.  The side effects from that, I have heard, are horrible. None of the meds worked to stop my labor.  They slowed down my progress somewhat but did not fully stop it.  The next morning, doctor Howard came in and talked with me.  He told me that they were going to stop trying to stop my labor.  After that I continued to have contractions.  They hurt but I have a pretty high pain tolerance so I just pushed through it.  At about 3 or 4pm, I was about 6.5cm dilated.  I signed off on the paperwork for my epidural and they came to administer it.

Now let me tell you... this was a mind game.  I knew that it would be best to do and I wasn't scared of the pain.  I was scared that I was going to move and paralyze myself.  The pain wasn't even that big of a deal because I was in a lot of pain from the labor.  It wasn't pleasant but definitely bearable.  They told my husband and mom that they had to leave the room and that was enough to freak me out.   I was already nervous and here my loved ones were leaving!  The nurse, who was pregnant herself, told me that she would hold my hand and she did until she had to move to do something.  I had to sit on the edge of the bed and lean forward.  It was so nerve wracking because I was afraid I would jerk during a contraction.  I kept saying, "Wait... let this one pass."  Obviously they had to do it during contractions because they were so close together.  The nurse had moved her hands and I told her that I desperately needed them back.  HAHA

After the epidural was in, they gave me a pain button.  Anytime I felt something, I could hit the button for more meds but it wouldn't give me more unless enough time had passed since the last dose.  My family cracked up at me because I loved that button and I would hit it and just be out cold for a few.  They laughed at me the whole time.

My dad and brother arrived shortly after.  They came in and sat with us.  I enjoyed having them there.  Next, my aunt and uncle showed up.  They had came all the way from Lexington!  We didn't even know they were coming.  It was so sweet of them and it just thrilled my aunt to get to be a part of the whole thing.  My mother-in-law and sister-in-law showed up next and were waiting in the waiting area because there could only be so many folks in my room at one time. 

 

  

 

I kept wondering how I would know when it was time to have this lil girl because I couldn't feel anything.  My mom kept saying that I needed to tell them to come check me and I kept saying that they would soon enough.  My mom, dad, bro, aunt, and uncle decided to go out for a few and let my inlaws come in.  They hadn't been there 2 minutes when I finally felt some odd pressure and called for the nurse.  They checked me (which I had dreaded because that part didn't feel so great especially while in labor) and said that I was 10cm + 1.  Ready to go! 

The nurses asked if my husband would be going with me.  He looked squeemish and said no.  We had already talked about it.  He didn't really want to watch and they said if he passed out that there wouldn't be time to get someone else.  I knew he didn't want to go and it didn't bother me.  It was one of those moments that I really wanted to share with my mom because I knew how long she had waited for this grandbaby.  I knew it would work out better for my husband and my mom this way.  I needed the support and didn't want to have to try to support him lol  So I called my mom's cell and told her to hurry.  She came in with everyone else and got dressed in the lovely surgical clothing : )  She still laughs that she wore her jacket in under those scrubs.  She was rushing too much and too cold from me freezing her, to stop to take it off!

They came and took me and my family all wished me well.  We got to the delivery room and they began to get things ready.  The nurses worked with me to get me to push.  It was so strange.  I always wondered what it would be like.  To be honest, it was like pushing out a major bowel movement.  LOL  I'm so not joking!  I went pretty fast.  The nurses were so nice. 

Within 30 minutes, Zoey arrived.  It was so odd to feel her slip right out.  So amazing!  My mom got to cut the cord and we were both crying!  My doctor didn't get there in time but the other doctors did just great.  She was born at 7:27pm on November 28 weighing in at 5lbs and 8oz and measuring 17.75 inches long!

 

  

  

  

 

 

 

My mom took pictures and was so excited.  She then went over to Zoey to take a few pictures until she  overhead them talking about my placenta abrupting.  Apparently it had but later when I asked my OBGYN ARNP, she said that the pathology report on the placenta hadn't made a big deal of it.  She said it was probably not a serious abruption if it had been.  Still that word just scared us because my mom had lost my sister due to an abruption and that's why I was so scared to have Zoey naturally.  They did send off the placenta.  They were all so amazed because it had grown really weird in my uterus and looked like two placentas joined together.  The pathology report (mentioned earlier) showed signs of possible meconium (baby's first poop) and signs of an infection that I had had.  Not sure if it could have been the BV infection from a few weeks before or an infection I had developed since my water had broken or an infection from day one.  Zoey didn't have issues with the meconium leakage in the womb so we weren't sure why that showed up.  Interesting to say the least!

I will never forget what it felt like to see my lil girl for the first time.  I was just amazed.  She looked so much like my baby pictures and for me to say that is something else.  I never am able to tell who a baby looks like that much.  I will never forget holding her for the first time and thinking, "Wow.  She's here and she's really my baby!"

 

  

  

 

I didn't get to hold her very long before they took her out the NICU.  She seemed very healthy but they had to take her to NICU because she was still a preemie.  A lot of people thought that just because she was a good sized baby for that gestational age that she wouldn't really be considered a preemie but a preemie just means that the baby is premature in development no matter their size.

I was taken back to my room with the nurse from the delivery room and she began to push on my belly to help my uterus push out everything.  Man... she pushed hard and it hurt.  I was bruised afterward.  Good thing my pain tolerance is high haha  She then ripped off the tape to my epidural and then took the epidural out.  The tape felt pretty bad, too.  Didn't realize how long that piece of tape was.  After doing a few other things, I was finally wheeled back with my aunt (who wasn't suppose to be there) to see my girl.

I got to see her and talk to the best neonatologist in the world... Dr. Wright.  I just loved him.  He actually had come to see me before I had Zoey and he was just so informative and nice.  He explained everything to me and I signed paperwork for her to be in the NICU then my aunt held her finger while they drew blood from her the first time... the first of many, many times.

Next, I got to feed her.  She had a bottle of formula... looooong story in the next post about this connection.  It was so amazing to hold this little girl and think that she was all mine and that I was feeding her.  At the same time, it was a little overwhelming as well.  But so wonderful!  My husband and I were just so happy with her!

 

  

  

 

I'll continue on in the next post with our NICU story which was long and very scary but rewarding in the end!

Much love!

Sharing some old posts from Shine 4 Jesus last Christmas with you Part 2 : God Is In The Impossible Situations

Luke 2: 5-80
5 ¶ There was in the days of Herod, the king of Judaea, a certain priest named Zacharias, of the course of Abia: and his wife was of the daughters of Aaron, and her name was Elisabeth. They came from a good background!
6 And they were both righteous before God, walking in all the commandments and ordinances of the Lord blameless.
7 And they had no child, because that Elisabeth was barren, and they both were now well stricken in years.
8 And it came to pass, that while he executed the priest's office before God in the order of his course,
9 According to the custom of the priest's office, his lot was to burn incense when he went into the temple of the Lord.
10 And the whole multitude of the people were praying without at the time of incense.
11 And there appeared unto him an angel of the Lord standing on the right side of the altar of incense.
12 And when Zacharias saw him, he was troubled, and fear fell upon him.
13 But the angel said unto him, Fear not, Zacharias: for thy prayer is heard; and thy wife Elisabeth shall bear thee a son, and thou shalt call his name John.
14 And thou shalt have joy and gladness; and many shall rejoice at his birth.
15 For he shall be great in the sight of the Lord, and shall drink neither wine nor strong drink; and he shall be filled with the Holy Ghost, even from his mother's womb. Notice how he is filled with the Holy Spirit in the verse where his mom gets to see her cousin Mary and John knows even in the womb that she is carrying our Savior!
16 And many of the children of Israel shall he turn to the Lord their God.
17 And he shall go before him in the spirit and power of Elias, to turn the hearts of the fathers to the children, and the disobedient to the wisdom of the just; to make ready a people prepared for the Lord.
18 And Zacharias said unto the angel, Whereby shall I know this? for I am an old man, and my wife well stricken in years.
19 And the angel answering said unto him, I am Gabriel, that stand in the presence of God; and am sent to speak unto thee, and to shew thee these glad tidings. He lacked faith…. I do this quite often myself!
20 And, behold, thou shalt be dumb, and not able to speak, until the day that these things shall be performed, because thou believest not my words, which shall be fulfilled in their season.
21 And the people waited for Zacharias, and marvelled that he tarried so long in the temple.
22 And when he came out, he could not speak unto them: and they perceived that he had seen a vision in the temple: for he beckoned unto them, and remained speechless.
23 And it came to pass, that, as soon as the days of his ministration were accomplished, he departed to his own house.
24 And after those days his wife Elisabeth conceived, and hid herself five months, saying,
25 Thus hath the Lord dealt with me in the days wherein he looked on me, to take away my reproach among men.
Back in those days, people actually believed that you had done something wrong or weren't holy enough to be blessed with a child. That's the reproach she is talking about.

Our Precious Savior's Existence is Spoken of …..
26 ¶ And in the sixth month the angel Gabriel was sent from God unto a city of Galilee, named Nazareth,
27 To a virgin espoused to a man whose name was Joseph, of the house of David; and the virgin's name was Mary.
28 And the angel came in unto her, and said, Hail, thou that art highly favoured, the Lord is with thee: blessed art thou among women.
29 And when she saw him, she was troubled at his saying, and cast in her mind what manner of salutation this should be.
30 And the angel said unto her, Fear not, Mary: for thou hast found favour with God.
31 And, behold, thou shalt conceive in thy womb, and bring forth a son, and shalt call his name JESUS.
32 He shall be great, and shall be called the Son of the Highest: and the Lord God shall give unto him the throne of his father David:
33 And he shall reign over the house of Jacob for ever; and of his kingdom there shall be no end.
34 Then said Mary unto the angel, How shall this be, seeing I know not a man?
35 And the angel answered and said unto her, The Holy Ghost shall come upon thee, and the power of the Highest shall overshadow thee: therefore also that holy thing which shall be born of thee shall be called the Son of God.
36 And, behold, thy cousin Elisabeth, she hath also conceived a son in her old age: and this is the sixth month with her, who was called barren.
37 For with God nothing shall be impossible. This is my favorite part…. Here Mary had conceived and never known a man… and Elizabeth had conceived when she never thought she would. Both good women of God who loved God and were holy in His sight and their faith was made whole!!!
38 And Mary said, Behold the handmaid of the Lord; be it unto me according to thy word. And the angel departed from her.
39 ¶ And Mary arose in those days, and went into the hill country with haste, into a city of Juda;
40 And entered into the house of Zacharias, and saluted Elisabeth.
41 And it came to pass, that, when ; and Elisabeth was filled with the Holy Ghost: Elisabeth heard the salutation of Mary, the babe leaped in her womb There's baby John the Baptist getting excited about Jesus!
42 And she spake out with a loud voice, and said, Blessed art thou among women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb.
43 And whence is this to me, that the mother of my Lord should come to me? Beautiful!!! She was honoring Mary, a younger woman, and she was humble enough to do so!
44 For, lo, as soon as the voice of thy salutation sounded in mine ears, the babe leaped in my womb for joy.
45 And blessed is she that believed: for there shall be a performance of those things which were told her from the Lord.
46 And Mary said, My soul doth magnify the Lord,
47 And my spirit hath rejoiced in God my Saviour.
48 For he hath regarded the low estate of his handmaiden: for, behold, from henceforth all generations shall call me blessed.
49 For he that is mighty hath done to me great things; and holy is his name.
50 And his mercy is on them that fear him from generation to generation.
51 He hath shewed strength with his arm; he hath scattered the proud in the imagination of their hearts.
52 He hath put down the mighty from their seats, and exalted them of low degree.
53 He hath filled the hungry with good things; and the rich he hath sent empty away.
54 He hath holpen his servant Israel, in remembrance of his mercy;
55 As he spake to our fathers, to Abraham, and to his seed for ever.
56 And Mary abode with her about three months, and returned to her own house. Beautiful… Mary sings praises to God for His goodness and mercies!
57 ¶ Now Elisabeth's full time came that she should be delivered; and she brought forth a son.
58 And her neighbours and her cousins heard how the Lord had shewed great mercy upon her; and they rejoiced with her. Even after they had all assumed she had done something wrong before because she was barren! God showed them! Even though she had to wait for the child, look at who her child grew up into! John the Baptist!
59 And it came to pass, that on the eighth day they came to circumcise the child; and they called him Zacharias, after the name of his father.
60 And his mother answered and said, Not so; but he shall be called John.
61 And they said unto her, There is none of thy kindred that is called by this name.
62 And they made signs to his father, how he would have him called.
63 And he asked for a writing table, and wrote, saying, His name is John. And they marvelled all.
64 And his mouth was opened immediately, and his tongue loosed, and he spake, and praised God.
65 And fear came on all that dwelt round about them: and all these sayings were noised abroad throughout all the hill country of Judaea.
66 And all they that heard them laid them up in their hearts, saying, What manner of child shall this be! And the hand of the Lord was with him.
67 ¶ And his father Zacharias was filled with the Holy Ghost, and prophesied, saying,
68 Blessed be the Lord God of Israel; for he hath visited and redeemed his people,
69 And hath raised up an horn of salvation for us in the house of his servant David;
70 As he spake by the mouth of his holy prophets, which have been since the world began:
71 That we should be saved from our enemies, and from the hand of all that hate us;
72 To perform the mercy promised to our fathers, and to remember his holy covenant;
73 The oath which he sware to our father Abraham,
74 That he would grant unto us, that we being delivered out of the hand of our enemies might serve him without fear,
75 In holiness and righteousness before him, all the days of our life.
76 And thou, child, shalt be called the prophet of the Highest: for thou shalt go before the face of the Lord to prepare his ways;
77 To give knowledge of salvation unto his people by the remission of their sins,
78 Through the tender mercy of our God; whereby the dayspring from on high hath visited us,
79 To give light to them that sit in darkness and in the shadow of death, to guide our feet into the way of peace. He gave thanks to God for the blessed child they received!
80 And the child grew, and waxed strong in spirit, and was in the deserts till the day of his shewing unto Israel.
He grew to be a great man who did nothing but point to Jesus through his whole life!

Sharing some old posts from Shine 4 Jesus last Christmas with you Part 1 : My very favorite Christmas song

(From Christmas 2007)

My very favorite Christmas song is "Mary Did You Know?" I could listen to this song over and over. It captures to very meaning of Christmas and puts in perspective with every other story involving Jesus in the Bible. I had hoped to ponder over this song as a pregnant gal this Christmas, however, God is not quite ready yet for our little addition. I know that regardless of when I get pregnant, I will listen to this song and ponder over this sweet, young girl who was chosen to deliver a Savior! Also, take notice of how the old will be made new.... my absolute favorite part.. our old bodies will be new and ABLE. Here are the lyrics and be sure to go here to listen to the song.

Mary, Did You Know?
Mary, did you know
That your baby boy
Would someday walk on water?
Mary did you know
That your baby boy
Will save our sons and daughters?
Did you know
That your baby boy
Has come to make you new?
This child that you've delivered
Will soon deliver you.


Mary did you know
That your baby boy
Will give sight to a blind man?
Mary did you know
That your baby boy
Will calm the storm with his hand?
Did you know that your baby boy
Has walked where angels trod?
When you kiss your little baby
You've kissed the face of God.
The blind will see
The deaf will hear
The dead will live again
The lame will leap
The dumb will speak
The praises of the Lamb

Mary did you know
That your baby boy
Is Lord of all creation?
Mary did you know
That your baby boy
Will one day rule the nations?
Did you know
That your baby boy
Is heaven's perfect Lamb?
This sleeping child you're holding

Is the Great I Am

Catching you up... Childless

Good Morning All:

I can honestly say that after much soul searching this morning, and its been a rather rough morning I might add, I have produced the following poem. I didn't mean to write something, but those of you who are natural born writers will attest that it is sometimes at the most heightened or most lowly moments that we produce work because that's when the emotion is the greatest. For me, I just have to vent and this is one of my methods. I don't do it as much as I use to but when I have to write, I really must do it right then.

Those of you who read this post that have not struggled with infertility like me and so many of my wonderful friends may think that this is a moment of weakness for me. On the contrary, it is a moment of strong faith. It is faith that God is going to accomplish His will in my situation whatever that may be and whatever that may involve. And I have realized this morning that it may not be what I want. I may never be a mother. But I know that God is good and He has big plans for my existence here on earth. I give Him all the glory in this storm because this is truly a test of faith.

I ask for your continued Prayer in this situation and for me and my emotional health in regards to all of this. Feel free to comment if you have something good to say. And if you don't, just don't tell me. I need encouragement and I am taking a Godly stance on saying that I will accept nothing but encouragement from this point on.



Childless

Tears upon a page,
Heartaches that no one understands.
Pain that radiates through my entire being.
Childless.

I put on a facade.
Things are all ok,
and a lot of times they are,
until I realize that I am
Childless.

Folks mean well,
They give me there thoughts and advice,
I smile as I realize they have no idea
what it feels like to be
Childless.

And I fear that I am all alone in this war,
the battle continues to rage.
I fall down,
I am scared.
I am weary and weak.
I am childless.

I pull up off the ground,
My knees bloody and scraped.
As I kneel, I lift my eyes.
In the distance I see purple.
Royalty is heading my way.
But why me?
I am just a servant girl.
He knows I am childless

He appears and reaches down.
He is beautiful and altogether lovely.
I reach for His hand but instead
He scoops me up into His arms,
He says, "Be not weary my child. I am with you."
And I know that He is,
even though I am still childless.

Catching you up... Prayer Request: Just in case you didn't get the email

Here is a copy of the email that I sent out to most of you. If you didn't get it, I am posting it here for you to read.

Hey guys,

Just a quick note to ask you to continue Praying for us and our desire to have a child. It has been a year now and nothing has happened. I know that God has everything planned out in His time but I can't say that I'm not a little nervous. I went to the doctor today and she told me that we would continue to try the Clomid and Glucophage for a few more months and that if nothing had happened by then, she would refer me to an infertility specialist. It is great to have that opportunity to get to speak with someone who can help us BUT it is also going to move us into lots of out of pocket money that we do not have. My friend spent 10,000 dollars on invitro to have her son! So I broke down when I left the office and cried like a baby. I hate doing that but I guess I was due for a big cry. I always feel so good about it and I always know that God has it under control but sometimes my fleshly side takes over and is consumed with worry. So anyway, this email is just to ask for your continued prayer in this situation. I am so ready to have children and so excited to raise them for God's glory. Just continue to keep us in prayer and if you don't mind, put us on your church's prayer list if we aren't already on there.

Thanks and Much Love,

Alesha ( :

Originally posted May 20, 2008

Catching you up... A Special Thank You

Hi Guys:

I wanted to post a little thank you to a couple who has really went out of their way to encourage me while trying to conceive. Brandon and Shelly are the sweetest! Brandon was my boss when I taught at Southeast Community College Upward Bound. Shelly is his wife. I was really excited to find out that they were expecting last summer because I knew that they had been trying for awhile. I am always happy for folks but its even sweeter to know that they really been waiting and asking God for a miracle and hearing that they have received it. Brandon and Shelly both had sent me messages of encouragement over the past year. Their story was so amazing! So when Mother's Day rolled around, I was excited to leave Shelly a comment for her first celebration with baby Emma.
Shelly wrote me back with a sweet, heart felt note that really encouraged me. She then sent me another message telling me that she was sending me a prayer cloth. When I received her letter and the prayer cloth, I was overwhelmed with thanks and praise to God for such a good, Christian friend and witness. Shelly had went up in front of her church on Mother's Day and publicly thanked God for her little Emma. She then proceeded to tell them about me and my struggle with infertility over this past year. The entire church prayed over this prayer cloth and she sent it to me. What a blessing! I couldn't have received a better Mother's Day gift.... the prayers of a faithful church to help me become a mother! Thank you Shelly and Brandon! You guys are truly wonderful and I love you!!!

Originally posted May 18, 2008

Catching you up....Waiting is hard....God grant me the grace to wait right!

Good Morning All,

I am in Louisville this morning and it seems like it is going to be a beautiful day. Just an update on the baby situation.... still nothing. I have come to realize that waiting is so hard. No matter how much I try to be good, I can't help but have thoughts that enter my mind about the situation. Sometimes I see folks who have never uttered thanks to God for anything. At other times I see young teenagers with children that they really weren't ready for and sometimes didn't and still don't want. I know children in my school who have parents that really don't want them around. The common link? They all have these children that some of us long for and can't seem to get.
Now before I get a ton of comments that say... "Alesha you know God has a purpose for each of those folks and for you" let me go ahead and answer that by saying "Yes, I know." I realize that. I honestly believe that. But it is still a hard row to hoe. (Throwing in some of my country vernacular there hehe) I'm not bitter and I'm trying hard each day to be happy, jolly, and grateful for what I know God will do. I do believe He will do it, it's just sometimes my mind gets overwhelmed by the thoughts of "What could be wrong?" My husband is fine. His tests all came back good. I am taking my meds as prescribed. I am being healthy. Probably healthier than I've been in a long while. I've dropped 10 pounds in the last couple of months. I am taking my vitamins, folic acid (have been on that since college just for this reason!), and I am not consuming myself with the whole thing. I'm not stressing and worrying every single moment of each day. Yet, I'm still babyless. And though I know folks mean well, some of the things they say just make me want to scream. It's almost as if they think I am sabotaging myself by wanting this to happen. I am tired of hearing, "You're trying too hard" or "When you stop thinking about it, it will happen." How do I not try so hard? I have to try on certain days and I have to think about it occasionally.
Oh, what a post, huh? I just realized that I hadn't posted in awhile and I thought to myself, "What is there to post about this morning?" and this is what developed. Please don't think I am grumbling, being mean towards folks who haven't had a hard time, or those who mean well with their thoughts. I'm not. I love each of you and each of those who don't read this but fit the "comment" category. I am just saying what's on my heart.
With that said, I am so glad that I can take this burden to Jesus and lay it at His feet because I don't know what I would do if I couldn't. Talk about heart ache, that would be heart ache.
So let me end with a prayer. That would be fitting. I'm always asking for God's guidance and grace.

Dear Father,

Please Lord grant me the grace that I need to continue on this path. I want to make it to the end of this experience and be able to say that I handled it in a way that is uplifting toward you. Please Jesus, when You feel that it is the right time, please send us a child. Let he/she be devoted to You in the womb and I pray that this child will serve You all the days of his/her life. I pray also that until I meet this child or even know of his/her existence, that You will let he/she enjoy getting to know those that I love so much that are already there with You. I know there's no proof that that can happen but I'm not living by proof anyway. I am living by faith. I have faith that Danielle, Mamaw & Papaw Brittain, Papaw Brock, Shauna, Uncle Bruce, Edie, Sister Helen, etc. can inspire this child even now. Maybe they are even molding it for me as we speak. How precious You are Lord to let those thoughts comfort me! Jesus, go before me and just prepare the way. I thank You for loving me even though I never, ever show You enough love as hard as I try. I praise You for the joy that I have in my heart even through the tough times and I thank You for all the healing and health that You have provided me and those that I hold so dear to my heart. I thank You most importantly for my salvation and Your saving grace that I know those that I am Praying the hardest for, will accept when the time is right. Continue to lead us on and help us through this situation. Help us to never let this time or any time be in vain. Mold and shape our hearts into what they should be. Help us to continue to grow.

In Great Love and Thanks,

Amen

Originally posted May 10, 2008

Catching you up... Just asking for Prayer!

Hi Guys!

Just a quick post to ask each of you to continue to remember my fertility issues. My husband's test results came back and he is fine so it must be totally me. haha I'm always causing trouble : ) Seriously, I know God will bless us with a child when He sees fit and we are waiting on Him. I praise Him for my husband's results. I also wanted to ask you to please Pray for my students and all students in general who are testing right now. Pray that they will truly demonstrate what we have taught them and shine on the CATS testing or whatever the testing may be called in your neck of the woods.

Love....

Me

Originally posted April 24, 2008

Catching you up... Coming Up to Breathe

Hi guys:

I have not be doing that great at keeping up with my blog lately. During this time of year at work, things get pretty hectic. However, I have had plenty more things making my life hectic right now. A few days ago I found out some news that I can't technically share on here. It is legal news and it's not good. Feel free to email me and I can explain, but I don't really feel like I should be talking about it on the Internet for the world to see. No, I didn't get arrested! HAHA
Anyway, in the midst of finding this out I began to become overwhelmed with my very own party. Yep, you guessed it... a Pity Party.
I began to think of all that has been going on in this past year. I have been trying to get pregnant. I haven't gotten there yet. I feel stuck because I'd like to lose some weight (by some I mean a lot haha) and I can't exactly go on a crash diet while trying to conceive. Michael and I are looking at houses and we actually found one that we really liked but the credit union we were going through gave us to high of an interest rate and asked for some outlandish money amounts so we stepped out of the commitment. Right as we found another mortgage place and got the interest rates worked out, my legal stuff showed up. And only a few days later, we found out that the accident that I had almost 2 years ago has been showing up on my in-laws insurance instead of ours, therefore making ours shoot up now and making us feel bad for them paying it for the last 2 years (they do not want it back). What a mix up, right?!
Anyway, I have been pretty overwhelmed. God has really covered me under His wings because during this week of Spring Break I have felt a whole lot more peaceful about everything. Please just pray that everything works out the way it's suppose to and that I can get some much needed mental rest. I am stressed about all the stuff above but more than anything I have the baby thing on my heart a lot here lately. Last year when we started trying to conceive I was really anxious and then after a few months I calmed down and admitted that it may take awhile and I was OK with that. Now, I am beginning to stress again because here I am on this medication and still no baby. Yes, I know it's only been 2 rounds and I haven't found out the results of this round yet but it still leaves you wondering about the lengths you may have to go to in order to have your own child. I see my friends going through it and I am amazed by their stamina and their patience. I realize that you never really know what your mind will go through during the length of time that you have to wait. So many ups and downs. Right, Beth? And the saddest part is, I have only been going through this for almost a year unlike many of my friends who waited 8-10 years. My pain and anguish is nothing compared to what they went through.
I trust that God will provide when He sees fit and I really think that being a mom is in my future. I am just asking for your prayers in order to help see me through this situation. I ask that you pray for all of the above including the baby thing and for the legal issue to be dissolved. Also, please pray for the continued health of my family and for an upcoming peaceful summer break. Praise God that He tells us to ask Him for help in everything!

Originally posted April 2, 2008

Catching you up... God's Words to Me

Last night as I read through Exodus, I came across two verses that I know God used to encourage me. As you know, I just finished my first round of Clomid and Glucophage. I am really, really hoping that this month will be the turning point for Michael and I to have a baby. I don't go on and on about it like I did when I first started trying to conceive, but I do think about it on a daily basis. God knows my thoughts and He hears each prayer that I pray. I am thankful to Him for this trial because, believe it or not, it has been truly a blessing to us. I appreciate conceiving a child so much more than I think I would have if the whole thing would have ended up on my time line (consisting of me having a baby this summer!) instead of His. Here's what God said:

"..... Fear ye not, stand still, and see the salvation of the Lord, which he will shew to you to day: ....."
---- Exodus 14:13

"The Lord shall fight for you and you shall hold your peace." --- Exodus 14:14


Wow! Those are powerful. Stand still Alesha and see the salvation of the Lord! So many times I've seen it but I have been far from still waiting on it. I pray that Jesus sees me standing still and waiting right now!

And ohhh.... that second verse. God will FIGHT for me. God will FIGHT for Michael. God will FIGHT for my family! How awesome. So many times I want to fight back in all kinds of situations, but God is telling me to step back, watch His salvation, and that He will fight for me as I hold my peace! Amazing! Thank you Lord for your precious mercy and grace upon my life and the lives of those that I hold dear to my heart!

ORIGINALLY POSTED MARCH 8, 2008

Catching you up... Seasons of Life Poetry... The Essence of New Life

I found a poetry book that my friend Jennifer Helton-Richmond and I created in our Children's Literature class in college. These are poems that we had written from our youth through our early 20's. Some of mine really show the development of self esteem and self concept in action because I was developing mine while writing them. I can't imagine how I felt when I wrote some of them and then again with others, I can remember every single feeling. Anyway.... I will share some of these off and on over the next few weeks with you guys. Please keep in mind, if some of these poems are sort of gloomy, remember I was a young girl and had had a few broken hearts along with the dreariness of learning to be a teenager and then a young woman. The coolest part about finding these is the fact that I can read them now and see exactly how much I have grown as a writer and as a woman. I love our poetry book because it is entitled "Seasons of Life" and it contains poems from childhood up through adulthood. Jen and I even matched the font to the ages group of each poem and laid out the whole thing in the timeline of a life using seasons of the year. It was beautiful when it was finished and bound and we received an A, which the professor had warned, would be really hard to get if we opted for a project over our final exam. Anyway, here's the first one I will share and it's mainly because it was amazing to me when I read it. I was dreaming of creating and raising a child with my husband even before we were man and wife. I was already looking deep into the future and thinking about our children. Enjoy!

The Essence of New Life

The cries of a newborn child ring in my head.

How I want a love like that.

I want to reach into the depths of my soul,

And intertwine that with yours.

I want to hear this beautiful sound in a short increment of time.

The thrill of creating,

That is an honor in itself.

The essence of discovering.

What a wonderful moment.

Informing the world.

Yes world here we are together

The magical months that are too often taken for granted.

The bittersweet pains,

The climax,

The release.

And there you’ll be.

Fresh and new in my arms.

A product of an unbinding love.

A small, yet bright, glow to light up a future life.

And I’ll look into your big eyes,

Such innocence,

And Pray for the future

That God has sculpted out for you.

Pray that he blesses you as much as he has blessed me.

Pray that you, this small being,

Can make a positive impact on a darkened and dull world.

My child, I Pray that someday you’ll know the love I feel right now.

ORIGINALLY POSTED FEB. 20, 2008

Catching you up... Pregnancy Thoughts That Parallel

Good Morning All,

I must first start off by saying, I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE SNOW DAYS! I have managed to get an extra 3 days off straight after Christmas break plus my weekend that's coming up. While being off, I have not spent as much time as I wanted blogging. I have been here there and everywhere with my family. I don't regret it though, because those are memories that I'll cherish forever.

My friend Kristi recently found out that she was pregnant with her fourth baby. Though I have not seen her in years, I know for a fact that she is a wonderful mother and so deserving of these precious souls. However, she has been facing a lot of morning sickness and really struggling with it. Her post yesterday reminds me a lot of my thoughts on trying to get pregnant. You can click here to read her post and then follow up below with my thoughts that parallel it.


I know how exactly how it feels, not with morning sickness, but with feeling so "envious" of those who aren't going through what you are. I have to work through that daily, too. My issue is that I feel that way towards folks who do not even want children, yet end up pregnant. It is a human thing. It's something I fight against all the time. And I often wonder, how can God bless me with a child if I can't get past my issues with others and their pregnancies. But...... our God is good. He knows that we (you, I, anyone else who has had a similar situation) do not really dislike these other people rather we are just hurting inside because we want it so badly for ourselves and we struggle with seeing why it can't be when we are trying our best to do God's will. And through the whole thing, not matter how hard it seems, God is teaching us something with each moment of the situation. And, I know for a fact, that when I do get a positive pregnancy test, I will be a whole lot more grateful than I would have been a month into trying. Not because my pregnancy is any more special than others who got pregnant fast, but because God saw me through that period of time that I felt like it wasn't going to happen. I thank God once again for knowing my "frame" and what it can handle! He's so good!

Ps. Could everyone please continue to help me pray for my precious friend and her sickness? She is worthy of our prayers! I love you Kristi and thank you for being YOU!

ORIGINALLY POSTED JAN. 4, 2008