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Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Nope.... not pregnant

Once again I blog you this same information.... I am not pregnant this month. I Prayed really hard this morning for God to help me be at peace with it if I did start my period today and I haven't cried or gotten upset yet. I just feel sort of numb. I am Praying for God to take the bitterness and the jealousy away as well because I feel as though it is overwhelming me at times. I am a really nice person and I care about others deeply and I hate it when I feel these feelings. And they are due to the fact that my heart is grieving over a child that I feel like I've lost. A child that wasn't even there but in my heart and soul I felt that it was.

I am unsure of which way to turn or what road to go down but I just Pray that God will go with me and I know that He will. I want to be a mother more than anything in the world. I need the excitement so badly right now. Please just keep me in your thoughts and your Prayers. Please Pray that my doctor chooses the right thing for me this month and that God blesses that option. More than anything Pray that God will bless me with a baby. I just want to get a turn... I feel like the little kid that gets picked last for teams. I know there is a reason that God is making me wait. Just Pray that I can continue to wait in the right way.

I want to apologize to those of you who are pregnant or who may become pregnant before me. Please know that I am so truly happy and excited for you! I promise to try my very best to there for you but I am sorry in advance for the times that I just can't be. I love each of you deeply and I hope you know that. For those of you who have overcome infertility.... hats off to you! I am so grateful because that gives me a glimmer of hope in the dark tunnel that I am in. Please just Pray for me.

5 Remarks:

Alicia

I'm so sorry to hear about this. I "feel your pain." I do pray that He will bless you with the joy of pregnancy and a new bundle of joy. How nice that would be!

Ashley

I am thinking about you and praying that this next month with bless you with a baby!

Hear My Cry

Alesha, no words can comfort you but His words at a time like this. At some point in my journey with infertility especially around the beginning of my blog, I began to pull away from God, afraid that He would never hear or answer my prayer, afraid that He would hear but choose NOT to answer my prayer and the thought of not having what I wanted was too much for me. I began to turn inside of myself, away from Him. I would try to pray but really I had nothing to say, my prayers felt repetitive and I was just tired of feeling like I was begging God.

Somewhere between those moments and these I realized I had slipped away from Him more intentionally than not and I didn't like the place that I found my self.

Then I got a letter from a friend whom the Lord has chosen not to have biological children and she had to adopt. She is on the other side now at 51. Her words were amazing to me even though they were so simple. I would post the whole letter here but its too long for that. I'll send you an e-mail if I can find it. The thing for me was I waited for a long while before reading what she had to say because I was afraid if I read her words I would hear the Lord speak to me and tell me no also....the amazing thing is that as I read her words my heart changed, my entire outlook changed, and all of a sudden rather than hearing the Lord say no, I felt hope. All of a sudden whether He said yes or no, all I wanted was Him. All I wanted was to run to Him and close the gap I'd put between us.

So today, I don't want you to be consumed with thoughts, that it'll never happen for you, or that you are doing something wrong, or even the whys...even though its hard to catch them, realize they are from our enemy and cast them down, try and do just that. Find the promises of the Lord and write them on colored paper and hang them by your bedside. Memorize them and STAND on His words and not the enemies.

Psalms 113: 9 He gives the barren woman a home, making her the joyous mother of children.

I'm not giving up. I'm going to continue to lift you up in prayer trusting that the Lord is waiting for His perfect time to open your womb. Knowing that no matter what happens, He is our God and He is in control. I'm standing in the gap for you dear friend. You are not alone!

And please Alesha, if you need to talk just e-mail me. I'm here for you if you need to scream or vent, I'm here for you.

beth ewing

i'm so sorry. i was out of town today and couldn't wait to get back and check your blog. i hate this for you. i understand how you feel and i understand that this will change our relationship but i want you to know that i will not leave you during this time. i'm here for you and i will still keep pleading with God for you.

Hear My Cry

I just wanted you to know that I was thinking of you and checking in to see how you are. Also, I'm wondering what the plan is for cycle. Are you doing anything?

I'm debating and debating next month for me, (if this month isn't successful) I just don't know what to do. One day I'm so sure that I want to move on to injectables, and then the next day I'm ready to stop for a while. The money is a huge factor too, I keep thinking what if I max out this credit card and I still don't conceive. I just don't know.

I love you girl! I'm here if you need me or want to chat! Big hugs!