How are you feeling?

I keep getting that question a lot. Do people really want me to answer that? haha I mean one minute I'm up the next I'm down. And I'm not such a good friend right now to some of my non IF preggo friends. If you are one of them and you are reading this... I apologize. I am very happy for all of you but I just can't call, text, email, message, etc. and talk about it. Its just too hard for me right now. Hopefully I'll be pregnant soon and we can have those discussions but at the moment I just can't.

God is a good God. That has been my statement of faith throughout this entire journey. I truly believe it! No matter how my emotions go, He still has my entire heart because I gave it to Him a long time ago. I trust Him. Does that mean that I don't go through the same issues as others? Nope. I still get upset, angry, depressed, miffed, etc about things but I feel in my heart that God knows and God has a plan.

I often worry that I am not walking this road good enough. I worry that though I am trying, I am not giving God all the glory He deserves through my infertility and life in general. I apologize Father that I can never, ever do enough to bring You glory. But I am trying and through His strength I can continue to persevere.

It is really easy to become negative when you have had 2o months of negative test results. It's easy to get down when you are told that you have a uterine deformity and that you will be high risk when you finally do get pregnant. And boy oh boy is it hard to hear that though you have had high hopes and spent lots of cash on meds, you don't have any eggs on your good side. I admit... it is depressing. Top all that off on Christmas Eve with my aunt's diagnosis of ovarian cancer and wow....

And I feel kind of at a loss because there is only one other IF friend that I regularly communicate with via this blog who has a UU. I would love to learn more and to hear more stories but they just aren't out there. I have joined the Yahoo UU Sisterhood group, but I still haven't made any personal connections.

God is dealing with my heart. It is a definite struggle because I am not perfect, nor will I ever be. I'm upset with myself this morning about a couple of things I could have done differently. The holidays have thrown me off with my Bible studying and my regular Prayer time. I have still been doing it but not in a routine and the way that I like it. Please Pray for me in that area.

Also, I went shopping with my mother-in-law last Saturday at a Family Christan Store in Louisville. She wouldn't have it any other way but for me to pick out some stuff to buy as a continuation of my Christmas gift from her and my father-in-law. I was looking around and I came across a book. My first instinct was to put it back because I just never ever have the time to read and the only book I read daily is my Bible. But I flipped through it and noticed that it mentioned Elizabeth being barren and that the whole point of the book was God leading you through trials. So I felt like God was leading me to it. I am currently reading it (slowly) and I will let you know what I glean from Elizabeth George's words of wisdom from God.

Lastly, I want to thank God for 2008. It has been difficult yet there have been wonderful times. He has blessed my family with health and that's truly all I could ever ask for. He has given my mom a good report yesterday at her appointment with the cardiologist. He has blessed my dad with rest and health. He has blessed my brother with a 2008 championship and the chance to honor Him on the field at state. He has blessed my hubby with a wonderful job. He has watched over my in-laws and kept them safe throughout the many issues that have come about. He has blessed me with the process of finding out what is causing my IF. He's blessed my doctor with the wisdom to help me deal with it anyway. He has provided money for IF treatment. He has CONTINUED to be a GOOD GOD and He always will! The list goes on and on. I Praise Him for that.

Father,

I thank You this morning, the last of 2008, for all the many blessings that You have given to me and to those that I hold dear. I appreciate You for everything You are and continue to be. You truly are a good father who has my best interest at heart. I will continue to trust You throughout my journey with infertility and life in general. I will continually give to You the worries that plague my heart and the burdens that weigh me down. I will trust You Father and know that You are working even now for the Godly desires of my heart. I Pray Father, continue to create that precious child that's meant just for Mike and I. Let it already begin to fill my heart with it's presence and let it's love begin to grow in my heart. Be with my infertility journey, my friends who walk this path with me and those that don't. Be with my precious parents, my precious brother, precious husband and in-laws. Be with my blessed friends and church and pastor. Father, let 2009 bring a true abundance of love, peace, joy, and perhaps a precious little baby in our lives. I love You Father, even when I'm not so good at showing it. Help me to do better at that.

In Jesus' Holy Name I Pray,

Amen.