Winding Down

I have been through a tremendously hard weekend which resulted in the creation of this blog. I now lay here winding down from all the places that my mind has been. It is so hard to go through this when you can't talk to most of the people around you. I am blessed. I do have people that can see that I am hurting and that offer encouragement (mom, Mike, Kim, Jess, Beth, Tina...) but then there are those that don't. No I'm not going to name them. There are those that tell me to stop trying so hard and worrying so much. I know I touched on that previously but AHHHH! It just makes me want to lose it. I understand that if you are someone who got pregnant rather quickly or even within a few months, that you probably have no concept of how it would feel to want something so badly and not be able to obtain it. I don't blame you for this. I realize that God has given you other struggles that I don't understand. But my infertility is definitely the most difficult thing that I have been through in my life (besides losing those that I love). It is out of my hands and that's hard.

Granted, I understand that everything is out of my hands but my control freak self does like to feel as though I am taking charge of situations in which require hard work and dedication. I have given this situation just that and coated it in tremendous amounts of Prayer but I am still not a mommy. And I have no idea when I will be a mommy. I want to go through each motion of pregnancy, even the yucky feelings that I know will be hard. I just want to experience this like everyone else.

This feeling totally parallels to a situation that I went through as a young girl. Guess what? It was when all the other girls were getting their periods and I hadn't. I know.... silly to want something like that, right? Well I did. I wanted to be "a woman" just like everyone else. I wanted to know that I was normal. And, obviously I did start my period and even though there were times that I dreaded it... I always had a strange sense of joy when it hit because that meant that I was normal and would be able to have a baby someday. Is that weird or what? I remember starting when I least expected it and maybe that is how this will happen... but somehow I have a hard time figuring out how I won't be expecting it. I Pray that nothing bad happens, like losing those that I love, to occupy my mind. I just Pray that God will continue to give me peace and comfort while I wait for His will to be accomplished in this situation.