First Cycle Since Surgery Update

I went to the doctor yesterday, on the busiest day in the world for me. She told me that I had 2 eggs on my left and 1 on my right. The egg on my right was a tiny bit larger than the eggs on the left so she gave me an HSG shot and then sent me home with another one to take today so that my left can catch up. I'm not really sure how all that works.... anyone know? Would I just ovulate all 3 eggs? Anyway, I take my HCG trigger shot tomorrow evening. I have actually been hurting on my right side so please be Praying that I do ovulate all those eggs, especially those on the left (my side that's connected). Also, please Pray that God will make a way this month, if it be His will, for me to get pregnant. I am so ready to read chapter 2 in my What To Expect When You're Expecting book! And I really do not want to have to rearrange Christmas this year. It is such a headache for us during the holidays anyway and then throwing infertility issues into the mix just makes it insane! Please just Pray for me. Hope you all had a great Thanksgiving. I thank God for each of you!

Love,

Alesha

Ps. Think of me in the morning.... I'm hitting the Black Friday sales at 5am!!! Am I goofy or what? As if I don't have enough to do!

Thank You God For This Thorn In My Flesh!

So often I am looking at my infertility as a negative thing. Don't get me wrong, I would LOVE to be pregnant, but in the spirit of Thanksgiving, I thank my Creator and Savior for this thorn in my flesh. I truly feel that God has elected me (and many of you) to endure this "cross" for a purpose and I Pray that I can adequately do that through His strength, mercy, and grace. I also truly feel as though He does have a remarkable miracle waiting ahead on this journey for me. I believe that that miracle is a precious child, who I Pray, will point to my Savior and one day be able to call Him his/her own.

2 Corinthians 12:8-10 - For this thing I besought the Lord thrice, that it might depart from me. And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong.

Notes on verses 8 and 9 from The New Defender's Study Bible
(My Favorite Study Bible since it's purchase a year ago!)


12:8 besought the Lord thrice. Paul's prayers and spiritual gifts had brought physical healing to many others, yet he could not heal himself. God is often pleased to answer prayers for healing, but it must always depend upon the will and purpose of God for the individual. It may be best in many cases not to heal in God's infinite wisdom and in the light of eternity, and we must be content if that is so.

12:9 glory in my infirmities. We need to learn to thank God, rather than complain to God and others about our "infirmities," reproaches, "necessities," persecutions," "distresses for Christ's sake (12:10). God's strength, paradoxically, is not measured in ordinary human terms (eg., riches, physical prowess, beauty, intellect) but rather "is made perfect in weakness."


I leave you with a beautiful song that I have grown to love over the past few months. It is on the WoW 2009 cd set and it is truly lovely and I really feel as though I am in better hands. Much better than my own set of hands that cannot even type these words without God's grace and mercy.


In Better Hands

sang by: Natalie Grant

It's hard to stand
On shifting sand
It's hard to shine
In the shadows of the night
You can't be free
If you don't reach for help
And you can't love
If you don't love yourself
But there is hope when my faith runs out...
Cuz I'm in better hands now

[Chorus:]
It's like the sun is shining
When the rain is pourin' down
It's like my soul is flying
Though my feet are on the ground
So take this heart of mine
There's no doubt
I'm in better hands now

I am strong
All because of you
I stand in awe of
Every mountain that you move
I am changed
Yesterday is gone
I am safe
From this moment on...
And there's no fear when the night comes 'round
I'm in better hands now

[Chorus]

It's like the sun is shining
When the rain is pourin' down
It's like my soul is flying
Though my feet are on the ground
It's like the world is silent
Though I know it isn't true
It's like the breath of Jesus
Is right here in this room
So take this heart of mine
There's no doubt

You can't be saved
If you're not reaching out for help



(Notice the woman dealing with the loss of or the grief of never having a baby.)

Prayer Request

Quick request...

Pray that Wed. will bring some good news about my follicles. I have an ultrasound at 8am. I plan to try even if there are none on the left side. I don't want to limit my God. I truly believe He is mighty to save and that He will work this all out in His time.

Also, Pray that I will get the timing of these cycles figured out. We are already having to really change our Thanksgiving this year (having to put off dinner with the in-laws until Sunday and possibly even the next Sunday). I hate having to put everyone's plans on hold but there's nothing I can do about my cycle dates. Please just Pray that if I have to go through another month of trying, things will work out so that we don't have to miss Christmas with both sets of families.

Love to all my dearest and best blog buddies!

Alesha

I Will Become A Mother... Encouragement From A Christian Friend

A dear blogger friend of mine, PODDY, left this comment on my Shine 4 Jesus! Blog. It touches me that God laid it on his heart to tell me that I will become a mother. Such a blessing!

"With dark days to come with His children like you shining His light then many will come running to the Lord. I don't see a world wide revival. Can't see it in Gods Word. But when peoples Backs are against the wall, some will cry out to him. And the light of YESHUA will shine waiting to help them to know the father. I'M GOING TO SAY THIS TO YOU MAY GOD BLESS YOUR WOMB AND CHILD WILL SHINE FOR JESUS AND HE WILL BE A BLESSING TO YOU BOTH AND YOUR FAMILY. Please if i'm wrong then forgive me and I will go before the Lord. But I will believe that God as made it known to me to tell you. YOU Won't need to tell me when it comes about, I will hear you here across the pond. blessing to you and hubby. " --- PODDY

Warning!!!! Post Op Update... Including Pics.... Not For The Squimish!

Today I went to see my doctor for my post op visit. I was suppose to go on Thursday but since she will be assisting another doctor in surgery, they called and rescheduled me for today. I was there at 9am and went back at about 9:30. The first thing that she did was show me my pictures. WOW! How interesting! My husband was a little bit nervous about looking at pictures of my insides but he realized that my mom was right when she said that it was definitely not blood and gore. It is actually pretty cool. How many women can say that they know what their ovaries, tubes, and uterus looks like? Only those of us who have had laproscopic surgery to find out. What a bond we share girls!

So.... the doctor first pointed out my uterus. She compared it to a photo of a normal uterus. My uterus (when the picture is taken from the inside) looks like a tube whereas those of you with a normal uterus would show up as a triangle. I asked if she had seen a lot of women with my condition and she said yes and that they had had children. Encouraging! She also told me again that most women do not even know until they go into labor early and the baby is breech.

She then pointed out a bit of scar tissue on my bowel (which had nothing to do with all this except for the fact that it was in the way) and on my tube. I stiffened up a bit when she pointed the scarring on my tube but it was nothing major and was not located near the fingers of the tube which could damage them so severely that the only route would be In vitro (right Kim?) She then pointed out that my left tube (the one I need to get pregnant off of) had 2 cysts that she removed. She said that when the cysts get larger, they weigh the tube down and cause it to pull away from the ovary. So she fixed that as well. Lastly, she pointed out the endometriosis on my right and left ovary. There wasn't much there at all but she removed it because any of it can cause problems when trying to get pregnant.

Lastly, we walked back to the front lab area and discussed meds for the next cycles (hopefully only 1). She told me that she wanted me pregnant in the next 6 months before the endometriosis could return and that in order to do that we needed to make sure my left ovary was producing eggs each month. So we will start out with the Femara that I had been taking to see what happens. If that doesn't work she said that we would move straight back to the Clomid (I was unmonitored on it before when I was at Corbin so I have no idea if I ovulated or not), and finally if I am still having issues with getting my left side to produce eggs, we would move to injectibles. She told me that the rate of twins would be 25% with the injectibles and that she really wanted me to have a singleton (1 baby) but if we had to go that route to get pregnant, we would. She doesn't want me to have to deal with the endometriosis slowing me down or stopping me from conceiving.

So..... I am sort of excited..... a bit nervous.... and very ready to get this show on the road. This month when I see red I will be beyond excited to start trying again. Though I have enjoyed taking this cycle off to find out what I needed to know and to be able to have tests run on my kidney and take meds for this crazy cold (finally!), I am ready to get back on track.

Speaking of my kidneys... I did find out Monday, via ultrasound, that I do indeed have 2. That's wonderful! We still have to check their function to ensure that they are working correctly but my doctor here at home thinks that it will turn out fine because of my prior blood work results over the past year. I have to have a CT scan done on Wed. November 19 to check that out.

I think that's about it besides these lovely pictures I am revealing HAHA! Please continue to Pray for me. Pray for these needs:

1. God will send me a child/children when He sees fit. He knows the right month and He isn't on the time frame that we are.
2. Continue to Pray for my mental well being.... it is still a daily struggle.... a cross that I bear daily to live in the life among children and pregnant folks that I love so dearly and to not be able to join them or provide them someone to play with yet.
3. That God will let me find out about my kidneys and that everything will turn out ok.
4. Continue Praying for my dear friend Beth. And add another friend who's name I won't mention to your list. She is facing a very difficult battle that goes beyond infertility.

P.s. Congrats to one of my Besties Ms. Kimmy.... AKA Kim (that I work with). She found out this morning that she is having a baby boy. I am sure Lucas will love that. He'll have a partner in crime!

Now for the Pics:
(I hope you can see her handwriting. She made notes as to all the things I talked about above. You can click the pics to make them larger.)

This first set of pics shows my bowl scar, the left and only side of my uterus, and endometriosis on my right ovary.

The second set of pics show the small amount of scar tissue on my tube, the 2 cysts on my tube and the end of my tube. They also show the endometriosis on my left ovary and the blue stuff at the bottom of the tube in the last shot shows that my left tube is indeed open. Praise God for that!

This last set of pics show the view from inside my uterus. Notice the tube like look.

Dr. Licciardi Commented On My UU

http://infertilityblog.blogspot.com/2008/11/marathon-of-infertility-questions.html

I posted the situation on Dr. Licciardi's blog and he replied. Click the link above to see his response. It was short but made me feel good. Thanks for your continued Prayers!


"Jesus my best friend has a unicornuate uterus with an open tube, and was encouraged to try on her own. It sounds like a good plan to me."

I'm A Copy Cat... April's Blog Posts... I love these!

Hi,

My blog friend April always has amazing posts. I've asked her and she's ok'd me being a copy cat and posting her entry. Keep in mind, this is from her page so she and the authors get all the credit. I just wanted to share it with my readers and offer you the opportunity to hop on over to her blog and follow it as well.

God bless!

Ps. Keep Praying for Elaine (surgery tomorrow), Beth and my best friend from college Misty who both miscarried this past week!

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Infertility: What Helps, What Doesn’t
Article by: Rosa


I couldn’t believe how much it hurt. Just that one word, staring up at me from the yellow paper I was to hand to the receptionist at the doctor’s office:


Infertility.

I was in for a routine asthma visit and when I was asked, “Is there any chance you’re pregnant?” I snorted and said, “I wish!” My doctor asked me to elaborate and I told him that we had been trying for 1½ years to get pregnant, but that my period had just started again. He looked at me and said, “You do know that trying for one year without pregnancy automatically earns you an infertility diagnosis, right?” I didn’t know, and for some reason, his unexpected words cut me like a knife.

So there I was, eighteen months of failed cycles, summed up into one neat little word: “Infertility”. Somehow that one word took all my hope and shredded it into bits. It made our hopeful trying suddenly become final and devastating. Without explanation, that one word, written at the top of my chart, wrapped up all my dreams and labeled them, “broken woman”.

For eighteen months I had not cried with each period that showed up. That day I cried. And cried and cried and cried. I cried for a day and then I called my OB’s office and set up an appointment with a fertility specialist. I was one of the lucky ones. Once I made the call, the ball got rolling pretty quickly as far as getting an official reason “why” and being presented with solutions. It would be another almost half year before we conceived.

During that time, I met many women through a blog I had started a few months earlier. These women were also experiencing infertility and some still are to this day. My friends and I have talked many times about the things that have gotten us through and the things that made our loss even greater.

Most of us agree, the non-stop obsessing where we are in our cycles is one of the worst things in the whole journey. Although we don’t want to stop tracking our temperature and cycle days and all the other things that come with trying to conceive a child, at the same time we become almost neurotic when analyzing every possible thing there is to analyze.

We actually find some relief from this obsession at the beginning of every cycle. Once AF (Aunt Flo) shows up and we get over the initial devastation of no pregnancy yet again, we find almost a relief that for one to two weeks, there is nothing to analyze and think over. Then, we hit mid-cycle and we begin the process of temping and recording and charting and graphing.

We use programs like Fertility Friend and we overlay our charts and compare last month’s chart to the current month. We check every ovulation sign there is to check and wonder, Am I ovulating? We pee on ovulation predictor sticks and squint our eyes to see, Is that a second line or not? We wonder, Should I have tested this morning or would it show up better this evening? Then we begin to try to figure out, Would it be better to have sex today or should we wait a day or two and hope hubby’s sperm is better a day or two out in case my ovulation is more noticeable then?” In doing all these things we lose the wonder of spontaneous love making with our husbands and can barely talk to our co-workers because we are turning these things over and over again in our minds.

Once the big “Ovulation” has occurred, next comes the possible-pregnancy-symptom torture: Were my breasts this tender last month? Is that nausea I’m feeling? I think I’m more tired than usual. It’s only five days past ovulation… I wonder if I could test yet?

And then, with that, comes that horrible addiction of peeing on a stick. Stick after stick after stick. By the time we’ve peed on all the home pregnancy tests that cycle, we could probably have bought a new Coach purse with the money we spent on the HPT’s. There is no avoiding this craziness, but most agree, it usually hurts the process instead of helps it.

As if we aren’t are own worst enemies during this time, there are all the comments from other people who know we’re trying. Probably the most hated comment that any infertile woman hates is, “Just relax and quit thinking about it. It’ll happen. Stressing is probably keeping you from becoming pregnant.” There really are no words that address how idiotic and hurtful comments like this are for a woman of infertility. Whether she is still trying the old fashioned way or her and her husband are now in the middle of IVF, there is no possible way to “Quit thinking about it,” and try as one might, even when taking a break for a cycle or two, you are still always wondering, Is this the month for us?

Sally has shared that people telling her she doesn’t have enough faith has hurt her deeply as well. “Just because I have not gotten the most precious gift in the world does not mean I am without faith!” she states with passion. This is so unfair for people to say. It’s as if a woman also has to go through being judged for her spiritual condition in addition to not getting pregnant.

“You’re young. Don’t worry about it,” is another thing that hurts a woman longing for a baby. Both Anna and Jeni agree on this. Being young has nothing to do with whether or not infertility does or does not hurt a woman’s heart. In fact, being young sometimes makes the infertility hurt and raise up a fear factor: “If I’m struggling to get pregnant when I’m supposed to be in my peak years, what does this mean for me when I hit the years when pregnancy becomes harder and riskier?”

Anna also spoke of her hurt within the infertility community when women who had been struggling with infertility for several years invalidated her pain because she had been struggling for a much shorter time. “I can understand how years of this can wear down a woman,” Anna said. “However, just because I’m not in my third or sixth year of this, doesn’t mean that every failed cycle shouldn’t hurt my heart. I should get permission to hurt just as much as any other woman, no matter how long I’ve been trying in relation to their journey.”

All women experiencing infertility agree on the utter frustration and even anger when they people tell them that them not getting pregnant might mean they aren’t supposed to have children. Then why do I have a mom’s heart? a woman wonders when hearing this.

And what about the people who have kids and tell a woman who can’t have children how “lucky she is and she should count her blessings because kids are a lot of hard work!” That is just an infuriating thing to hear when unable to get pregnant. Why people think that makes us feel better is beyond us. It not only makes us feel worse, it makes us wonder why people who are so annoyed and resentful of their kids got the chance at having them and we, who would love being moms, don’t! (By the way, my baby girl is a lot of work but I would never, in a million years, even on the worst day, go back to infertility instead of having her!)

People aren’t the only ones to hurt us. We hurt ourselves. Jeni and I talked about how we have walked the baby sections of stores, shopping and daydreaming, knowing our hearts would only hurt worse afterward. Yet, despite this knowledge, we did it anyways. We didn’t know how not to go there.

“I go one step further,” Jeni shared. “I go on YouTube and watch pregnancy announcements. That really hurts my heart. I need a life.” She says this with a laugh and a tear, all rolled up into one.

All that being said, there are some things that we have all found that have helped us immensely on this journey.

Many of the women, being religious, have found Bible promises to be especially comforting during this time. Promises such as “God is making all things work together for a better purpose in the end,” and “God helps us carry our sorrows,” are clung to with a desperate tenacity that help carry us through each cycle. Without my faith that God was up to something bigger and with more eternal purpose, I wouldn’t have made it through our time.

Many agree that building a support network of trusted friends is crucial. Not friends who will throw clichés and hurtful comments your way, but friends who will cry with you. Friends who know that a Starbucks venti latte or a Cosmopolitan is the perfect thing the day AF shows up, because up until then, you were abstaining in case this was the month. Friends, like I had, who on mother’s day, honor your mom’s heart, even if your arms are still empty.

There are online support groups these days via forums and blog rings. I will never forget the day I got online, started my blog, and joined infertility blog rings. I found more instant support and friends through those rings than I did for any of the other causes and issues that I had joined blog rings for. There is a camaraderie among women going through this, and having each other to get through the highs and lows cannot be underestimated.

Sometimes, some people just say the right things to us in our journey and we will forever be grateful to those people. I found the most helpful things that people said to me were simply the words, “I can’t comprehend what you’re going through. I wish I could make it better but I can’t. But I am praying for you.” That’s all I needed. I didn’t need solutions or advice. I just needed a hug and a, “I’m sorry for your pain. I’ll be praying.”

Sally said that the sweetest thing she ever heard was, “God is holding your baby in heaven for you for just the right and perfect time.” That was a visual picture that has been sustaining her through her cycles.

Infertility is one of the most painful things a woman will ever go through — the most painful for some. We can’t always avoid the things that hurt us along the way, but we can seek out the things that help us along the way. May heaven grant to each of us the joy of holding our precious miracles that are, even now, waiting in heaven for the perfect time to find their way into our arms.

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Child of Promise
by Stephanie Garcia

Child of Promise,
Awaited with love.
Prayers softly spoken
To our Father above.

Child of Patience,
We long for you still.
Prayers yet unanswered,
As we rest in His will.

Child of Potential,
Your path is unknown.
Prayers for your future,
Known by Jesus alone.

Child of Promise,
We'll cherish the day...
Prayers finally fulfilled,
In our arms you will stay.

Doctor Update!

So... right after I wrote that last post my doctor called. I think it is so neat that she called me on a Sunday night. Not a lot of doctor's would do that. I asked her some questions and kept her on the phone for 9 minutes! She said that I was just fine and that I would definitely be able to get pregnant and have babies. She said that I could go to a high risk doctor if I desired but that I didn't have to (I probably will). She said that if I were to get pregnant with twins that I would be able to carry them and I wouldn't have to be pressured into aborting them. She also said that I would probably consider a high risk doctor more so if I got pregnant with twins. She told me that the left, right, left scenario with my ovulation would be thrown out the window since I am doing medicated cycles. So I may ovulate from either side or both during any given month. She said that as far as my kidney is concerned, I would need to have an IVP done to see if I have both kidneys. I asked about miscarriage rates and she said that they were no different from anyone else my age. She said the only thing I would be dealing with would be preterm labor. She also told me that the internet has a lot of crazy stories.... I think I've already figured that out. If I can think of anything else that she said I'll update. All I can say now is... "THANK YOU LORD FOR LETTING ME HEAR THIS FIRST HAND AND BE REASSURED. THANK YOU JESUS FOR THE PRECIOUS CHILD THAT YOU ARE PREPARING FOR ME EVEN NOW."

So What Am I Feeling?

Well...... let's see.... what am I feeling? I have had mixed emotions since I found this out on Friday. I am first and foremost so thankful to God that I can still get pregnant and have a baby. I know that my journey will continue to be difficult but I am thankful for it nonetheless.

I did have a "Freak Out" moment last night. It was from reading the statistics on the internet. And there are some good statistics.... but I was focusing on the bad ones. I was so stressed that I left my apartment and drove around for about 10 minutes (and I wasn't suppose to drive until today). I just needed to let it all out.

Today, I have been reading about some other's who have been through what I am going through and I decided in my heart that since God chose this path for me, He will definitely see me through to the end with it. I just get so overwhelmed thinking about my small window of opportunity and my high risk pregnancy. But God is bigger than those things.

I am still grieving for my dear friend Beth who has faced what I have been worrying about having to face eventually, a miscarriage. Beth is such a sweet person and has been one of my TTC Cheerleaders for awhile now. I Pray that God will help her with this journey. I ask that you Pray for her as well.

In the meantime check out these two blogs. They deal with two girls who have a UU just like me. Look for the belly pics on the second one. It is really interesting to me because when I get pregnant, that's what my belly will look like.

Gas Passer aka UUer : A nurse anesthetist who is actually in labor now with her first baby carried in a UU.

What a Journey for Baby : A sweet lady who went through 5 miscarriages before getting to have her first child. The miscarriages were not from the UU.

P.s. Keep Praying for me. I want to have a baby soon if it is God's will.

Please Pray For My Sweet Friend

Please, please Pray for my dear, sweet friend Beth. She went through infertility for a long time as well and just lost her sweet little baby. I know she is beyond broken right now and I know that there is nothing any of us can do but Pray for her. Please just cover her in your Prayers. God just bathe her in your love and your peace.

God is still Faithful!

Psalm 46 (King James Version)

1God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.

2Therefore will not we fear, though the earth be removed, and though the mountains be carried into the midst of the sea;

3Though the waters thereof roar and be troubled, though the mountains shake with the swelling thereof. Selah.

4There is a river, the streams whereof shall make glad the city of God, the holy place of the tabernacles of the most High.

5God is in the midst of her; she shall not be moved: God shall help her, and that right early.

6The heathen raged, the kingdoms were moved: he uttered his voice, the earth melted.

7The LORD of hosts is with us; the God of Jacob is our refuge. Selah.

8Come, behold the works of the LORD, what desolations he hath made in the earth.

9He maketh wars to cease unto the end of the earth; he breaketh the bow, and cutteth the spear in sunder; he burneth the chariot in the fire.

10Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.

11The LORD of hosts is with us; the God of Jacob is our refuge. Selah.

Hi guys,

I am still a little bit out of it but I wanted to share what I do know with you all. Yesterday's surgery went well. I didn't even have issues with the gasses that they pump into you like I did last time! The doctor made 2 discoveries that were out of the ordinary.

1: I have a Unicornuate Uterus. This means that my uterus is smaller than most and that it is only attached to my right fallopian tube. The doctor said that I would still be able to get pregnant on my own but that it would take longer and that I would have to have a C-section about a month early because the baby would run out of room.

2: The doctor found a vessel that is suppose to be under my ureter and it wasn't. This led her to think that I may have only one kidney. I have to get this looked into also.

I am scared but God is good. I've been reading stories online about the Unicornuate Uterus and I am so Praying that God will still bless me with a child. Since I only have 1 tube connecting to my uterus, that means I can only get pregnant when that tube sends out the egg. And... I still have my PCOS.

God knew what He was doing 27 years ago. He created me this way for a reason. Though it seems strange to me because there's only like a 1 in 4,000 chance of having this, He has a plan. It does scare me to think of waiting a lifetime to have a child. The chances of miscarriage according to the net are like 38%. But He knew what He was doing then and He knows what He's doing now. I praise Him for this!

Prayer needs:

1. Pray that I heal quickly and am back to myself soon.
2. Pray blessings for those at the hospital who were so kind to me yesterday.
3. Pray blessings upon my precious family who were so good to me yesterday and always.
4. Pray that despite all these issues, God would be preparing my precious child even now to make it's entrance into my life.
5. Pray that we can find out all about my kidney when I'm up to it.


Thanks and love to all!

Ps. My doctor is suppose to give me a call and let me know the ins and outs of all this. I'll update when I find out.